Monday, August 08, 2005

Some Worldly Notations:

  • In Germany, you can buy a beer, play foosball, and watch the world cup on 8 TV screens, all at McDonalds.
  • In France, the waiter will wait until you have eaten eight 4X4 inch slices of cheese before informing you that it’s actually butter.
  • The girls in France like showing you their breasts.
  • The Belgium waffles in the U.S. taste better then the ones in Belgium.
  • In Switzerland, they tell you the ‘Titleist’ golf ball is actually pronounced “Tit-less”
  • Italians drive small cars.
  • In London, a lot of taxi cabs are Mercedes Benz’s, because Toyota’s are too expensive there.
  • London girls are loose.
  • The guys in London are crazy. They paint themselves blue, wear tall hats and call themselves Hooligans.
  • Folks in Ireland have beer running in the tap, and always smile when they slug you in the face.
  • The bathroom on a train in Russia is a box car with a hole in the floor.
  • If you’re a girl in Holland, you can smash into a guy’s car and get off with a spanking.
  • In Amsterdam, you can piss in the middle of the street, do drugs in a local bar, then shop for prostitutes in store front windows--All legally.
  • In China, they sell you a 4X4 inch piece of toilet paper for one third of one penny at the public bathroom. You can only buy one piece each. The lady next to me bargained for 5 minutes to get the price down to one sixth of one penny. Of course, the bathroom is just a room with a hole in the ground.
  • Some cab drivers in Beijing are members of the Chinese Mafia. They look just like the Sicilian Mafia complete with trench coats. I gave a driver $50 bucks to get to the Hotel pronto, so he crashed through the guard gate at 50 miles/hour then proceeded on the freeway at 100+ miles/hour. At night the road was filled with coal trucks and log trucks with no tail lights. We did not see the trucks until we were right on them and had to swerve to avoid them. I found out later that the 50 bucks was almost 3 months wages for the driver, so he was really, really happy.
  • The freeway from the airport to Beijing was new. In the past 3 months since it opened, 65 farmers were killed on it, trying to cross to the other side. They put up a fence, but still the farmers were getting run over. Worse than a deer in headlights man.
  • Very poor children in China look identical to the very poor children in Mexico.
  • In Mexico, if something falls on your head in the store, you can’t sue anyone—they just consider it a hazard of life—so you have to watch your own ass.
  • The food in Mexico is outstanding, unless they cook it in local water.
  • You can get noodles at the McDonalds in Hong Kong.
    There are no obese people in china. (maybe one in a couple hundred million, but I did not see them)
  • I saw ONE obese person in Hong Kong. And only THREE obese people in Taiwan at the post office.
  • Back in the U.S., there were 14 obese people at the post office out of 16 people in line. And TWO big ones behind the counter. (so odds are I am offending a reader right now--But I'm obese too, so I can say big and fat.)
  • Pretty girls spit thick spit on the streets of Hong Kong.
  • In Vietnam, there is usually a large bug found swimming in your soup. But everyone just flicks the bug out and continues eating.
  • The penalty for smuggling drugs in Taiwan is DEATH, and if you commit a crime with a knife or gun, then you will be shot in the head until dead.
  • Guards carry machine guns at the Hong Kong airport.
  • I bought $200 worth of fireworks in a Japanese department store. Then celebrated the Fourth of July with 50 other neighbors in Japan for five fun filled hours. Back in the U.S., there are ZERO neighbors celebrating the Fourth of July in front of their house. It has been illegal to do fireworks in San Jose California for the past 30 some odd years.
  • The pigeons have slanted eyes in China.
  • A family of five can commute comfortably in Taiwan on a two wheeled scooter.
  • In Taiwan, you can pull up to a red light, but before it turns green, 50 to 100 scooters will have cut in front of you. In Beijing, same thing except they are bicycles.
  • In Beijing, everyone owns a store, and sells the same cheap junk.
  • After an hour spent outside in Beijing, you have to dig the smog out of your nose with a small spoon. (if you don’t wear a mask)
  • In Japan, you get a bowl of 30 small fish to eat. And they are still swimming.
  • In Japan, a cup of joe at one place cost me $29 American dollars.
  • And a dinner for 3 cost over $2000.
  • A fancy restaurant in Taiwan cost me $4000+ American. But I saw some cute Taiwanese movie stars and singers there; A couple of them were my wife's friends from high school.
  • There are karaoke machines at the KFC in Taiwan.
  • You can still get dog meat in Japan, Taiwan, Korea, Vietnam and China. In china, they had dogs hanging in the little street kiosks.
  • I had a chicken butt on a stick in Japan.
  • In China, they served a whole pig. And the anus was served to me in a little bird cage looking thing as the most prized and tender piece.
  • In the morning in Taiwan, the restaurants smell like urine. Because a prized breakfast to some old timer’s is cooked in horse piss. You can get that in the U.S. too if you go to the right place.
  • I had duck brain, duck tongue, and duck eyes in China, cow brain soup in Taiwan, and Monkey brain pie in Bangkok.
  • Southern women are tastier than hot grits on a cold winter morning.
  • Texas woman can make a man give up steak.
  • Some golf courses in Japan cost 3 million dollars for an annual membership.
  • Man’s worst enemy in the Fiji Islands is the mosquito that carries Dingus fever.
  • The Caribbean is more beautiful than Hawaii in some places, but you have to carry guns on your boat because of the pirates.
  • There are idiots and perverts anywhere you go.
  • A man was found in Alaska eaten alive by mosquitoes.
  • The mosquitoes in Taiwan are so small that they can fly through the mosquito net. In Texas, their so big that they tear holes in the net to get at you.
  • I hate mosquitoes.
  • I saw a fish with fur in Montana.
  • They hunt giant grasshoppers with guns in Oklahoma.
  • The blind American Indian panhandler in Arizona is not really blind.
  • The Prostitutes in Michigan call you “sugar” and “Honey”
  • The Prostitutes in Japan put the American prostitute to shame. Some have all their teeth pulled to provide maximum service. You only get that kind of service in the U.S if the teeth fall out from disease.
  • You’re a hippie in Tennessee unless the length of your hair can be measured with a thumb tack.
  • A delicious recipe somewhere in the world becomes extinct every 5 seconds.
  • The mansions in Rhode Island are like heaven on earth.
  • They will line up 10 deep behind you at a urinal in India, despite the fact there are three empty stalls available.
  • In Africa, it is miserable and you are sick the whole time, and mosquitoes provide your only shade and cling to you 24/7.
  • People in Georgia spend their whole life savings buying the Cherry Cobbler that the old timers sell on the road sides.
  • There are bikers all over the world. You seldom see a smile on their lips, but their eyes are always smiling.
  • Canadians are just like Americans, except they are different.
  • They eat a lot of fish in Greece, Portugal and Spain.
  • There are lots of beautiful people in the world, who have never seen a napkin, or a toilet bowl.
  • There are Chinese people in Peru and Ecuador. But they look South American, and they speak Spanish.
  • New Zealand is beautiful but far away. And there are Chinese people their too, with Kangaroo pets.
  • Australia is fun, but you can’t shoot the Kangaroos. You can’t shoot anything over there. Kind of like Great Britain and Canada.
  • I got to visit all 52 states. I like California the best, and worst.
  • I got to visit a lot of countries, except for the Middle Eastern ones. I heard that in some places they wash the dirt from their driveway with gasoline, because it’s cheaper than water over there.
  • The U.S.A. is the best place to live on earth. Only here can I have authentic Burmese Mohinga one day, and crawdad gumbo the next.


Saije said...

Interesting information.

Vince said...

Information is what it's all about! At least that's what the wise man said in Tibet.