Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Synchronized Swimming: The Bad Apple of Olympic Sports.

A rare look at the most controversial sport in Olympic History: (Inspired by Jungle Jane)

1.) The whole thing began with a duck! Kings forced performers to strap ducks to their heads and swim around for entertainment. But eventually they became the first “Sitting Ducks” when a King took up a spear for some real sport.

2.) Then in 1907 a girl bought a ballerina suit and a giant fish bowl. She developed a dancing fish act and traveled the Globe for 25 years before she disappeared in the Mermaid Riots of 1932.

3.) The underwater ballerina act evolved into the most undefined, controversial and segmented sport in history. The Lesbian National Aquatic league, for example, is scored not only on beauty, but the number of synchronized climaxes they can achieve in a 5 minute period.

4.) The Brownie Troop Ornamental Swimming Team features young teens in full brownie uniform. They rise to the surface feet first and their skirts fall to the water like Lilly pads, exposing white bulbous panties and long young virgin legs that slowly spread open into full flower for all to admire.

5.) The Punk Rock Water Acrobatics Team has a colorful act, but the team was marred last month when excessive thrashing sequences, two drownings, bloody waters, and three missing bodies rattled the audience—the shark was simply a bad idea.

6.) The sport also inspired illegal underwater Horse races. I actually attended one of these events and my girlfriend had a chance to meet the winning horse. But the horse didn’t appear happy, so she tried to comfort him—“You are the Champion …so why the long face?”

7.) A prison recently sanctioned the first Synchronized Football League – featuring burley inmates in elaborate floral huddle formations, synchronized spinning pass patterns and flower plays, all to the music of the “Nutcracker Suite”. Judged not by number of touch downs, but by the artistic and electrifying manner in which they are executed!!!

8.) Today, men are still prohibited from the Synchronized Swimming games in the Olympics--And rightfully so I might add. I mean if they ever get allowed, then what message will it send? Like what will be next? Girls in the NFL? Coed bathrooms? Free sex in the streets? ...uh...Well then, maybe we ought to at least give it a go, eh? What can it hurt?

9.) Over 85% of men polled admit wanking it to Synchronized Swimming more often than any other sport.

10.) The all male Chip & Dale Aquatic Team put on a Royal exhibition for the new Princess of Wales, depicting the Iron Man Submarine Battle of WWII. Microphones amplified the battle scenes and intensified the underwater explosions. But the explosions were farts man. And you could see the bubbles rise up. And when a sub was destroyed, a butt would float to the surface with a Daisy sticking out the arse!!!
The surface torpedoes were neat, but the periscope sequence had all the ladies fighting for the opera glasses. Young girls fainted. The Princess fainted too, and totally missed the grand finale with the sperm whale. The show is banned now in 192 countries and “Blow-hole” has since become a dirty word.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Top 10 Figure Skating Facts:

10.) Figure skating is the only sport where the most sought after photos are crouch shots.

9.) No butt ugly contestant has ever won a gold metal in figure skating.

8.) Sexual elegance between couples are judged as part of the sport. Exotic sex acts win points while penalties occur if the acts are too raunchy and basically a turn off.

7.) Fifty percent of the sport is about sex; however you get penalized if your outfit is too sexy.

6.) Only sport where the viewing of scantly clad girls is deemed suitable for young children, and where young children are actually encouraged to participate.

5.) A gay couple has never won a gold metal in figure skating--yet.

4.) More affairs between coach and athlete occur in figure skating, than all other sports combined.

3.) There are more sexual abuse cases between coach and athlete happen in figure skating than all other sports put together.

2.) It's the only sport where a man can reach up under a woman's dress and grab her crouch, flip her into a 69 with his face between her legs and her face in his crouch, push her to her knees and hold her face against his crouch, grind his crouch against her crouch, cup her breasts, fondle her butt, put her face against his butt, jam his nose in her butt, place his crouch in her butt, rest his face on her bossism, rub his body all up and down hers then turn her over and do it from behind, and finally kiss her on the lips after the routine--then win a gold metal.

And the number 1.) fact about figure skating: It’s the only sport I really want to play, but can’t--Every time I even try to grab a girl for a pick-up game, I just get slapped away!?!

Dakota Burning

The photo above is that of a sperm as seen through a common microscope. You can‘t really see it because it is too small, and I did not have an electron microscope handy.
The following is a script for a play entitled, “ Dakota Burning “
CHARACTERRS: South Dakota Legislature (SDL); Rape Victim (RV)
LOCATION: South Dakota Discovery Court of Humanity

SDL: As your entrusted servants and protectors, we will be passing a new law making abortion a crime even in circumstances of rape.
RV: So if I kill this sperm, then it is murder?
SDL: Yes.
RV: But people kill billions of sperm every time they use a condom and billions more with spermicidal jelly (Chemical weapon of mass destruction) How about that?
SDL: Murdering sperm is allowed, as long as it does not reach home base. That is if it reaches the egg, then it attains diplomatic immunity and becomes human. So if you kill it on home base, then it is murder and you get 5 years in prison.
RV: But South Dakota has the death penalty for murder, it seems this sperm is not given equal consideration as other humans, this is discrimination.
SDL: You are correct; we will make sure the law is changed so that if you kill said sperm, then the penalty is death.
RV: But this sperm is unwanted and if left in will shatter my life and my family’s lives, while the Devil rapist only gets two years prison out on parole in one? You’re telling me if I rip out this hell spawned sperm that no one can even see, an invisible Demon seed that was forcibly injected into me without my consent in a brutal violent rape, then it will be a crime, and you will have the right to hunt me down and murder me?
SDL: As your entrusted protector and servant, absolutely, and in addition to murdering you, we also reserve the right to call you a dirty filthy whore.
RV: But these rules are terrible: I’m allowed to murder all the sperm I want, unless it has reached home base. Then you’re allowed to call me names, and murder me for murdering an invisible sperm? I don’t know if murder is right or wrong anymore. I feel helpless, I feel as though I want to take up arms and revolt against you.
SDL: Precisely why we also have designs to ban guns and render you completely powerless to act against us in such a manner. Of course, we ourselves will retain our right to bear arms.
RV: But you must have mercy! At least give me a fighting chance like you did for the invisible sperm. At least allow me the same consideration as the demon sperm, and give me a home base that gives me immunity from your murderous death hunt.
SDL: Seems fair enough, so in all good will, as your protectors and servants, we will christen Abortion clinics as your home base for immunity.
RV: Thank you kind sirs. So if I and all women of South Dakota become certified abortionists, then we can make every home in our state an Abortion clinic. And we can perform home abortions, and be immune to your death hunts. Correct?
SDL: Technically, yes…
RV: So why even bother with this law you really can’t enforce?
SDL: We don’t have to.
RV: What do you mean?
SDL: We will simply outsource our police staff to mercenaries from the United Arab Emirates, who will have diplomatic immunity to kill you for us, home base or not!
RV: Scumbags!
SDL: As your humble protectors and servants, we will always find a way to punish you, hunt you down, and kill you where you sleep.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Karma and Valentine's Day

This is a photo of Clinton and I at a fund raiser in Washington DC in 2003. Actually Clinton is shaking my hand in gratitude because I informed him of the large bugger in his nose. His hand was sticky, but I had some sanitary wipes in my pocket. We talked a little and he gave me some advice and I told him he ought to lay off the carrots for a while, and maybe avoid getting stuck alone in the men’s room with Howard Dean.

Anyway, it was Valentine’s Day, and I had to leave early to catch a plane to New York for a fashion show. So I rushed back to my room at the Watergate Hotel, changed, grabbed a sandwich at the deli, and caught my limo to the airport.

But the limo driver said he had to make one quick stop at the United Arab Emirates Embassy to pick up a few more people.

Photo by DVIDSHUB on flickr
When we arrived at the Embassy, a sheikh (looking similar to the one in the photo) and his female companion wearing a beautifully sequenced veil adorned with gold chains sat opposite me. I immediately felt uneasy because I knew the presence and aroma of my Memphis style shredded pork shoulder sandwich might offend them. Their eyes immediately confirmed my suspicion, but I was hungry and took a big bite while sounding out my pleasure. The woman said in broken English, “That is disgraceful!” I replied spontaneously, “What? It’s just a sandwich; you’re the one who has to hide under a veil.” (rude, I know.)

But I talk with my hands, and the swing of my sandwich let fly a piece of pork that landed on her lap. She screamed and stood up to rid of the offending meat, and her head hit the ceiling, then her face came crashing down onto my crouch. Somehow the gold chains on the top part of her veil over her forehead got caught in my fancy belt buckle. She was stuck, and yelling something in Arabic. The sheikh came forward and reached for my crouch to help her untangle it but I brought my hand up for him to stop and warded him off with my sandwich, "I may eat pork, but I’m not gay, please stay away." (not that there is anything wrong with being gay, or for that matter, being a sheikh, or wearing a veil.)

Just then, four other sheikhs came into the limo, and there was a loud exchange as the first sheikh explained in Arabic why his companion was on her knees with her head in my crouch. The limo shoved off, but we were all still in chaos. I tried to relieve the tension by suggesting we all just calm down, let me finish my sandwich, and then we can think this through. The sheikh said, “No finishing sandwich!” So I asked if someone could hold my sandwich so I could try to fix it and they all just glared at me, no one wanting to come near the pork. Then I asked the girl if she could hold it and she shouted, “No, get it away from me!”

Then at that moment, the sight of the female between my legs sunk into my mind. And along with the vibration of her voice against my loins, something was triggered within the depths of my manhood. A process I knew may be difficult to stop. So I quickly put the sandwich on the shelf behind me and tried to untangle the chain. But I couldn't, it seemed impossible. And the way it was jammed, I could not even remove my belt. I said to the girl, “Can you just take off your veil?” She looked up into my eyes and yelled out, “NO!” Then her eyes widened as we both realized I had become fully emancipated.

With the sandwich no longer in my hand, I had nothing to ward of the Sheikh, who quickly made his way to my pants and worked to jar the chain loose. He failed and sank back into his seat exasperated. The girl had lost all energy to hold her head up, and relaxed it on the only place she could. I had to distract myself, so I looked back at my pork sandwich but it had spilled open and become uneatable. The sheikh looked at me and said, “You know, eating pork is foul. Each time you eat pork you are doing harm, and become in debt to Karma! A debt that has to, and will be repaid!” Just then, answering for me in spite and irony and for all to witness, my spasms forced the girls head slightly up and then down as if something was trying to escape from a hatch below. Exhausted, the girl released a surrendering sigh and the sheikh resigned to an incredulous stupor.

Trying to divert attention from the spectacle, I said, “I can cut the belt off, does anyone have a knife or a box cutter?” I guess not, because the sheikh just stared at me with daggers in his eyes. So I suggested I take off my shirt, and put it over her head so she can unveil and get a better angle of it. They seemed to like the idea but had doubts if I would somehow be able to steal a peek at her face. So I offered to even blindfold myself to make double sure there was no way for me to see. One Sheikh actually had a blindfold in his pocket, so we were in luck.

The girl was still quite liberally struggling under the shirt when we arrived at the airport. My mouth had contoured into an expression of pain as I desperately battled to suppress the flow of life trying to find a way out. The Sheikh yelled out the window at two airport policeman for a knife. The cops did not understand his broken English the first time, so he opened the door and yelled again, “We have a knife!” He should have said, “Can we have a knife” or “we need a knife.” Because all the police saw was a car load of angry Arabs, and me sitting there blindfolded, apparently in pain, and wearing a wife-beater tee-shirt--not to mention the added confusion of a girl on her knees working on my crouch under a shirt. Needless to say, none of us made our flights that day…

Moral of the story: The more constraints we impose on ourselves and others, the more indebt we become to Karma. And that debt must always be repaid.