Sunday, November 27, 2005

Catalina Coup

Photo, by Sam.romilly on flickr
The Communist Party Central Committee (CPCC) has publicly revealed a new World threat: Intelligent Cats. The Cat shown here, Son Lik Paa is the King of Hearts on the CPCC watch list. Working out of North Korea, this Cat is thought to be part of a world wide ring of intelligent cats thought responsible for artificially spreading the Bird Flu world wide.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), Son Lik Paa and other Cat gang leaders are believed to have the intelligence of 10 year olds. “This has extraordinary implication”, says WHO’s international director Mark Hamm. “Humans have geniuses, and so do animals. What this means is that these cats are capable of a dangerous level of thinking, communication, organization, and emotion.”

After thousands of years of cat consumption in Asia, Son Lik Paa has had enough. His underground is responsible for freeing at least 2 million doomed cats per year from being served on the dinner plate.

Cat, by martie1swart on flickr
Meow Tse Tung, shown here, is the Ace of Spades working out of Beijing. He is purported to understand 7 languages/Chinese dialects, including Burmese, Taiwanese, Shanghinese, Mandarin, Cantonese, and Haka. The Center of disease Control (CDC) has labeled him the mastermind behind the spread of the Bird Flu to Canada and soon the United States. He lost his entire family at a New Years banquette celebration when he was just a kitten. Meow Tse Tung can actually write Chinese characters faster than humans by using his five claw nails simultaneously rather than one brush stroke at a time. Chinese is easy for him because he just needs ink, and it looks like cat scratch anyway. He has written to the Chinese newspapers with his intent to win by numbers. He reveals he has organized cat breeding facilities, and claims there are now at least 10 billion cats in China under his command. “There will be no negotiation.” Writes Meow Tse Tung. “You will be punished for your practice of Cat Rights Violations. We have allied with our sworn enemies, the Birds. And we have harnessed the power of the Bird Flu.”

Cat In Pumpkin Hat, by

“What’s scary,” says CIA director John Smith, “is that these cats have no intention of trying to stop the cat genocide per se. They are focused on eliminating Humans.” The Queen of Hearts, alias “Birdi”, seen here, is part of a cell in Canada with a plan to spread the Bird Flu across the border into the United States. She looks adorable, but has many disguises, blends in with other cats and is impossible to pinpoint.

Cats and Dogs, by Petteri Sulonen on flickr
Birdi has several son’s; the eldest is ‘Lunch Meat’, the Jack of Hearts, and operates a cell out of Wisconsin. He is less disciplined, but ruthless, shown here being purrmiscuous, taking advantage of his natural enemy; the dog. He is actively recruiting cat pets in the US to their cause, convincing them that they are mere slaves to the Human thirst for companionship. There is known to be roughly 65 million cat pets in the US.

The FBI issued a code red Cat Terror Alert, and advises all pet owner’s in the US to be vigilant. Some things to look for in your cat:

Look for unusual behavior.
--If your cat no longer attacks birds.
--If they bring home suspicious looking friends.
--If they stay out late at night.
--If you find them sneaking around.
--If they seem detached and want to do their own thing.
--If they appear to be ‘thinking’.
--They get mad at you for no apparent reason.
--They’ve learned stuff you did not teach them.
--If you find them talking to birds, or other strange cats.
--If their claws have been dipped in ink.
--If they seem to eat more than usual (they may be supplying food for the underground)
--If they’re no longer interested in cat nip.
--They start watching TV.
If you see ANY of these signs, please contact you local FBI offices. Your cat may be in danger of being recruited into the Meow Tse Tung gang.