Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sad Sac

The checker at the Walgreen’s was very large, and it had a man’s hair cut, hairy arms, deep voice and it’s name was Terry. I had no idea what sex it was. I couldn’t tell if it had breasts or not. One day I had bought a sandwich and a box of Tampons for my girlfriend. Terry actually was looking at me like it was not sure what sex I was??? So I had to clarify, “This is not for me, I’m a dude man. I mean I’m not a damn Butch!”-- Big mistake!

I was on a first date with a girl fresh from China. We stopped at a traffic signal behind a Mercedes diesel. It smelled really bad, like sulfur and rotten eggs. The girl thought I farted because she opened her window and the sun roof and looked at me with a disgusted look. I told her the smell was coming from outside, from that diesel car, and that she was making the smell worse by opening the window.. But she had never experienced a diesel smell before and she didn't believe me. She was totally turned off and started waiving her hands, and I was frustrated. I mean the smell was really bad and I could not believe she actually thought a smell like that could come from a human. Then I made a bad choice for a place to eat. I took her to my favorite burrito place and bought us each a burrito. Then I realized she was thinking I always eat beans. When I stood up from the picnic table I had dirt on the butt of my white pants. She joked and said I have fart on my pants. “Fun Pi” which I guess is fart in Chinese. The date was basically over, and she didn’t even touch her burrito.

A girl came up to me in the mall to ask me what time it was. Perfect opportunity, I thought, to get some interaction goin’ on. I said that it’s about 10 to 5 and positioned myself for conversation, but she said, “Oh, shit,” And ran off. I looked at my watch again and realized I blew it, because it was only 10 to 4. I bought a digital watch after that.

I was standing in the mall and thought I was stylish. I woman walked by and smiled at me, but her little kid pointed and yelled, “Hey, mom, look at the skinny man, is that Gilligan?” She gave me a bigger smile and then scolded the kid for pointing. I looked at my reflection in the display window and realized my new terry cloth hat did not compliment my red shirt and white pants.

At the mall, I waived at a pretty girl that I thought I knew. And she smiled and waived back. But then we both realized we did not know each other; boy was that awkward.

I was at a museum in Florida. They had actual train engines in one room and also a display of miniature trains and tunnels. I noticed a beautiful blond was following me around, so I tried to act cool. The room was very quiet and we were all alone. At one display of a long tunnel, she stood at one end and I was at the other. She was about 15 feet away. I went to stick my head into the tunnel to see what was in there and my face slammed into a clear glass barrier. My glasses went flying, and its bent frame crashed to the floor and the lenses popped out. My camera had banged against it too. The whole room echoed with a big bang. The girl came over to see if I was okay, and then started laughing at my face print on the glass. When her friend showed up they walked away giggling and I heard her say something. But all I could catch was the word ‘Barney’.

In a clothes store at the mall, my girlfriend was standing next to me and I held her hand. But it felt a little funny and when I looked it was a strange man, and I just froze. His wife was standing across from us with a curious look on her face, and then the man noticed his wife. He jumped and jerked his hand away and I had to explain it was a mistake. My girlfriend was just shaking her head.

At a department store in Paris I was standing in front of a mirror looking at myself. Then two slim French girls came up to the mirror, and one of them pulled off her shirt to try on a blouse. But for a moment, she just stood there admiring herself in the mirror, and she was bare breasted. There was a silver chain linked from a belly ring that split into a ‘V’ and attached to two nipple rings. The store was packed with people but no one else seemed to care, and she did not care either. But I was just mesmerized and could not look away, and my jaw dropped. Then my wife threw her shopping bag at my head and my glasses went flying. I had to run to catch up to her so I could explain. The rest of the day I had to shop with my glasses off. I could not see a damn thing.

I was at a disco (it was the 70’s) but was exhausted because I had played sports the whole day. It was after midnight when a fine girl asked me to dance. I looked at her then vomited on her shoes…

The helper at the dentist forgot to put the lead apron on me when he took the X-ray. Then my mouth was open and my dentist had a huge bugger in his nose, but I couldn’t say anything. I looked at his hairy chest and the gold chain that swung in his open shirt. No white coat for this guy. He looked like Tom Jones. When I looked back the bugger was gone!?! I think I actually cried. When I got out of that place my keys were locked in the car and my engine was running.

At a disco the fine girl sitting next to me was moving to the music, so I turned to ask her to dance, but another guy had already asker her. She stood up and turned to the guy but he had already walked away thinking she had rejected him. She was really embarrassed and I felt sorry for her. She just sat back down and I lost the momentum to ask her. But later I saw her looking bored and standing against the wall. So I maneuvered my way next to her ready to make a move when I stepped on her toe by accident. She screamed and everyone turned to look. The guy next to her tried to help her and his hand leaned on the wooden shelf above her. The shelf tilted down and mixed drinks and beer bottles tumbled on her head and crashed to the floor. Her pretty face turned demonic and very scary looking. Next thing some guys are shoving me. Then before I know it two bouncers had me spread eagled and threw me out the door. They swung me as they counted one, two three, then let me fly. But it was all just an accident!?!

At a dance club I asked a girl to dance. She shook her head. I asked the next girl and she just smiled and said, “no.” I was getting worried because I had never been rejected twice in a row before. And I felt that everyone was looking at me. I went down the line like a fool, but thinking I was cool like John Travolta, and finally the 5th girl tells me that I have huge green spinach stuck in my teeth…

I was getting on a float plane in Alaska, dressed like Indiana Jones. Equiped with my adventurous look, I was confident that I was going to impress the two girls who were already inside. But I hit my head on the door frame so hard that I fell on my back and my Skittles spilled all over the dock. When we landed, I got off first and there was a huge bump on my head. I had to walk to the trading post alone because the two girls wanted to stay and talk to the pilot dude. I felt like a complete dork.

I saw a cute girl holding a dog and I asked, “pretty dog, what’s her name?”. She looked at me like I was cruel, then I looked at the dog again. It was a baby holding a stuffed animal!

At the mall I was with a group waiting for the elevator. I had my hands in my pockets and decided to break the silence with conversation. I looked at the elevator door and there was a big green ‘3’ on it. And I said, “Hmm, I wonder what that ‘3’ stands for?” Everyone just looked at me and held back smiles. But one kid could not hold it and burst out laughing. Then he informed me that we were on the 3rd floor.

At the mall I wore my sunglasses inside the store. I thought I could pull a fast one on my wife since she could not see where my eyes were looking. But this one young girl was giving me the eye like you wouldn’t believe, and she was wearing shorts and no bra. My mistake was that my wife could still see the girl’s eyes, and could see the wicked smile on my face. She made a big scene and yelled out, “Why don’t you just go F__k her?” The girl’s mom was shocked. I new I was in trouble and just handed my wife the car keys. I had to walk six miles home that day.

At the gym, I went to take a shower. A gay guy was at the far right corner. I picked the shower at the opposite side on the far left corner. After I shampooed and opened my eyes, the gay guy had moved to the showerhead right next to me, and he had his arms up and turning all around like he was a strip dancer showing off his wares. I turned around and ignored him, and then he left. When I got out, he was using my towel, and rubbing it back and forth on his balls like a see-saw. I stood in front of him naked and said, “hey man, that’s my towel.” He said sorry that he took the wrong towel and started to hand it back to me. I said, “I don’t want that after you used it.” Then he offered his towel. I looked at it and it was a dirty white and had pubic hairs stuck in it. I said, “That’s dirty man. “And I ended up going back to the office feeling abused, and looking like a soggy idiot.

A very sophisticated and proper catholic lady visited our office from the east coast. I was elected to entertain her that night. I took her to San Francisco and made a wrong turn smack dab into a Gay Parade. We were stuck and the naughty boys were walking all around us. She gasped when a man wearing only chaps walked by and revealed his bare butt, and then almost fainted when men dressed in lingerie came by kissing and holding each other in places beyond imagination. After I parked we went to a quaint café. About 12 guys and a girl came in to pose for a picture right across from us. As we watched, they all quickly dropped there pants and drawers right before the girl snapped the picture. The lady was disgusted at the public exposure of all those well hung beef cakes. Then on the way to the show, we passed a pay-potty on the street just as three nasty looking men came out of it! The lady was absolutely appalled. Finally at the show, I had no idea it was an adult farce in very bad taste. She walked out and I followed. I lost the friggen account.

I was at a sales seminar standing in front of a large group of financial planners and multi-million dollar mutual fund managers on wall-street. I decide to start by livening up the room with a joke. So I said, “Okay, I’m going to divide you into teams. Everyone on the left side will be shirts, and everyone on my right will be skins.” Not a single laugh or even smile. They all just looked at me like I was a fool. The only guy that laughed was in the back row—the president of another software firm, our biggest competition.


Billy said...

Vomitting on a girl's shoes is a sign of affection though, isn't it? ;-D

madman said...

that was a good joke!

HOW said...

I have the same ability as you do. . .to open mouth and insert foot (all the way to my thigh!!!)!!

Gun-Toting Liberal said...

LMFAO, Vince!!!!!!!!!! I really enjoyed this one, bro...

blog ON!

mizeeyore said...

hey vince i just wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog. your comment was funny...but unfortunately i dont have that psychic ability...yet *wink*

i too suffer from "foot-in-mouth" disorder (amongst the other many disorders i have already - hell, i'm all outta order!)

stop by again soon ok?
miz e

The One Your Mother Warned You About said...

Too Funny! Stop Smoking!

Vince said...

Everyone--Yeah, I thought I was getting better as I age, but last week I dropped a bowling ball on my foot while checking out the girl in the next lane. I'm using crutches right now to get around.

Steve said...

Just stop.... I can't freaking stop laughing...

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