Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Spiritless Ghosts:

Researchers in Denmark claim to have cloned the first batch of Poltergeists. “Unlike ‘real’ Poltergeists, these clones are ‘soulless’, and not subject to Human or Animal Rights laws.”

These clones can move objects, or perform any simple physical duty you train it to. The potential benefit to mankind is unreal—here are a few projects already in progress:

Ghost by sarahstierch on flickr
--Poltergeist Pets: No mess, no loud barking, no veterinary costs.
--Poltergeist Companions: Won’t complain if you smoke; won’t take up a seat on the subway; endless electrifying, and safe sex; undetectable affairs; won’t eat your food; can be trained for simple tasks such as picking your nose and wiping your butt.
--Poltergeist tool set: Crafty Ghost can turn screws and nuts. Snake Ghost can clean out stopped drainage without caustic chemicals or a plumber; Garden Ghost can zap bugs to keep your garden healthy.
--Political Poltergeist: Tapper Ghost can infiltrate any location without need for warrant or wire tapping.
--Ordained Poltergeists: Can exorcize real Poltergeists without need of a Priest.

Critics warn the unholy alliance with Poltergeists can only lead to trouble and open a Pandora’s Box. “By God, these entities can be sent via email! Life has a way of ‘finding a way’, and it won’t be long before these spiritless clones learn to perhaps ‘steal’ souls and propagate.”

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Sewer Main Lobsters:

MAIN (Rooters) - Sewer Main Lobsters (SMLs) have invaded the Northeast. A Hybrid of Main Lobsters, these lobsters are unisex, super aggressive, and chirp like a cricket. “They eat their dead, so we didn't even know they existed until recently, and now it’s too late—it is estimated they number in the billions.”

The problem is this subspecies has discovered they can crawl up the toilets and nip off penises, which are an apparent delicacy to them.

“We must nip this problem in the butt." Homeland Security has developed a system that will keep toilet water at a steady boil. This new toilet is expected to wean SMLs from penises in a matter of months. The added benefit is a built in humidifier along with a sanitizer making it possible to transfer trapped lobsters directly to the dinner plate, fully cooked and ready for consumption.

“The SML toilets will be provided free of charge thanks to special sponsors: Members Only, Johnson & Johnson, and Der Weinersnitchel.” But opponents to Homeland Security warn that the boiler toilet will solve nothing! “It’s only a matter of time before a heat resistant strain of SMLs evolve. But the real fear is they are already capable of surviving for months out of water, and seem to have an unlimited capacity for growth, enabling them to snip even the largest penises. "They will just by-pass the toilet and jack you when you sleep. We recommend a stainless steel penis muzzle that attaches via a testicle harness--to be worn at ALL times.”

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

May Freedom Come:

What if Dr. Martin Luther King were alive today? Would he fight for our Civil Liberties as he fought for our Civil Rights? Maybe!
--Civil Rights involve Government ensuring equal treatment and focuses on who you are.

--Civil Liberties involve Government balancing our freedoms with order and focuses on what you do.

Martin Luther King, Jr. by cliff1066 on flickr

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equally free of the bondage of the BAN." I have a dream that one day on the concrete hills of New York the sons of former victims of the BAN and the sons of former lawmakers will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood and smoke and drink spirits if they want to. I have a dream that one day even the state of California, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of communism and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the smoke they intake, or the SUV they drive, or the guns they own, or the seat belts they choose not to wear; but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring without the chains of the helmet law. Let freedom ring without the signs that segregate smokers from non-smokers. Let freedom ring without BANS on abortion or BANS on Fourth of July fireworks, or BANS on the internet. Let freedom ring for all suppressed brothers and sisters. Let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every county and every town, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, Smokers and Non-smokers, Junk food eaters and Vegetarians, gas powered lawn mower owners and electric lawn mower owners, prostitutes and virgins, drinkers and non-drinkers, motorcyclists and automobilists, drug users and non-drug users, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sad Sac—Casino:

casino by loop_oh on flickr

So Saturday, I took a day trip to the Casino.   I arrive at the Cache Creek Indian Casino feeling kind of out of sorts after blowing away a Mustang on the way over in my Audi race car. I had thought it wanted to race and punched my turbo V8 to a 140 mph, leaving the Mustang in the dust.       But BustSeconds later my victory melted away as I sat stuck behind a stop sign and the Mustang caught up to me. The old lady behind the wheel did not look too impressed. And there was that blue handicap tag hanging from her rear view mirror.

But I try to leave that all behind me as I walk into the Casino. I switch into John Travolta mode and strut to the water fountain feeling cool and thirsty. I’m also intelligent and whip out my leather coin purse to shield me from the inevitable shock at the fountain. I notice there are women watching and imagine them noticing my wit and cleverness at the fountain. But I hear a “spack” and see sparks as I feel a sharp pain voltage into my tongue forcing my body to spasm and let out a very non-masculine shriek. And my coin purse falls to the floor spilling six months worth of spare change. Not a very cool sight to behold.

So I order a chili dog and lemonade from the Deli bar and the cute girl at the counter hands me my cup and says I am number #1. (my call number) So I say, “Yes I am!” But I only say half of it because when I expertly flicked my cup up in a summer-sault, it hits my nose and falls to the floor. Damn! I refuse a replacement cup.

I’m at a slot machine and very hot filly sits next to me. I try to act cool and flip out a smoke. I hope she notices my cool new lighter in the shape of a stack of poker chips that matched my World Series Poker shirt. She asks me, “Are you going to smoke?” I’m thinking, “Okay, I got a cig in my mouth, and lighter in hand, what the f__k does she think I’m going to do?” All I could say was, “Yes.” So she gives me a dirty look and scoots out of there!?! I’m like WTF? The whole place is festering in smoke? What the hell?

So I can’t let these events spoil my fun, so I decide to cool off and plan what I should do next. So I’m standing in a safe place scoping the joint and a security gal yells at me, “No smoking here!!!” Everybody around looks at me like I’m some sort of public offender! “Oh, I didn't see the sign. Where is the sign?” She points to a small eligible sign behind me. I say, “Oh.” And move THREE feet to my right where there is an ash tray!!! “Is here okay?” 
Now I’m looking around and there is smoke EVERYWHERE! My eyes are stinging with smoke. People with cigs that walk through the 6 feet of non-smoking space are okay because they are moving. Again, there is smoke EVERYWHERE! But I get yelled at—sheesh!

So I go outside and light up. I realize my shoulders are getting stiff and I feel a headache coming on. But it was beautiful out there and I start to relax a little. I’m watching some workers plant these bushes. I put out the cig on the ground and a worker stares at me and says, “That’s a fire hazard sir, can you pick that up?” I notice the bushes are all dead and extremely flammable looking. I say, “Oh, sorry.” and pick up the butt. “Why are you guys planting all these dead weeds for anyway?” He said, “I dunno, it’s the look they wanted I guess.”

There is a fire burning across the street in a field. I look to my left and there are two fire engines up on a small hill next to the Casino doing absolutely nothing about it. Then I notice these guys are in training and there are four firemen in full gear moving up the hill with a stretcher. It takes them like five minutes to move six feet man, then one guy slips and the stretcher spills to the left onto the ground. I’m thinking, “What kind of world do I live in? Is everyone insane? Fumbling firemen, dead weeds, anti-smokers, old handicapped ladies driving Mustangs, water fountains that can kill, and enforcing a non-smoking section that’s absolutely deluged in smoke? ”

So I go to the buffet and have a ton of oysters, a steak, prime-rib, goat meat, eight desserts, five cokes, egg rolls, fruit, pizza, mashed potatoes and gravy, French toast with lots of syrup, salami, sausage, coffee, champagne, ice cream and some unknown food. I tip BIG!

Afterwards I am happy again and on a corner slot. A hot girl is sitting on a slot facing me with her legs parted open in a manner that would make the Pope look twice. Her tight jeans were shouting out to be noticed. She looked me in the eye for a second than her eyes locked onto my stomach. At this time I realize I am carrying around a beach ball under my shirt. I can’t even suck in a millimeter. It feels like it is expanding like someone is pumping helium into it. It must have been the oysters or something. My face felt flushed and something moved inside me as gases began to export from every possible opening. Her expression became concerned, and that was my cue to head for the bathroom which was just beyond the crap tables. I made it to a stall okay, but the janitor was working on the toilet next to mine which over flowed and brown water rushed into my stall all over my shoes. I heard someone say, “Oh, sh_t!” and minutes later a yellow sign was placed in front of MY door! When I got out, everyone thought I was the one who had an accident!!! Damn!

So I’m by my car ready for my journey home. I’m admiring two shiny Harleys that parked right next to me. Then, all of a sudden, two guys rush to the bikes admiring them too, and then start digging through the saddlebags??? They seem aggressive and indiscriminately rampage through the Harley owner’s stuff. I get very offended because I have a bike and know that you just don’t mess with someone’s ride. Then I heard myself shout out at them, “What the f__k you doin’ man, get the f__k outta here!” 

Big Mistake!  I mean I’m six one at 240, but these guys were even bigger, and meaner, and harder and were no doubt stronger than oxen. They turned and glared at me with eyes that said, “You’re already dead brother!” And it was just then I realized the colors they were pullin’ out of the saddle bags were that of an infamous outlaw motorcycle club (name not given to protect my ass.) And worse, I realized those were THEIR own bikes man!!! So I quickly pointed to the cell phone which thank GOD I had in my hand, and indicated I was talking to someone on the phone. I turned away and continued to yell in my phony remote microphone, “I told you not to do me like that!” I walked back to the Casino shouting profanities at my pretend caller and holding an invisible fake earphone to my ear. I never turned back. And I hid inside the Casino doors until they were gone…

It's only now I question why they did not wear their colors in the Casino. My only guess is it was either too hot, or they were trying to avoid trouble, or had met with clueless parents, or something? But there had to have been a good excuse not to wear their colors with pride and respect...P.S. If you happen to be the riders reading this post--I was just trying to protect someone's ride man. And you were dressed like cagers (someone who drives a car.) so I thought those were not your bikes! Nice bikes btw. Solid rides man.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Evolving Plant Life:

Pitcher plant by MShades on flickr
The Eatamongus plant eats small birds and rodents, but prefers cheeseburgers and table scraps--makes a fine 'no maintenance' pet, but not recommended for vegetarians.

Purple pitcher plants by Just chaos on flickr
The Vampirus Oclitorus plant (or Swallow Plant) relies entirely on the human male for pollination. And it feeds by pricking the male organ with small teeth hidden under her lips, and sucks the blood much like a vampire bat. Because this creates a pleasant tingle and win-win situation, this plant is also one of the most intelligent. But intelligence comes at a price--90% of these plants are now obese and owners are asked not to feed them so much.

Magnolia by dougwoods on flickr
The Dillydo plant is an outdoor plant. But now totally dependent on the human female for pollination, it is on the verge of extinction. The idea was that the seed is injected into the woman’s saliva during pollination. Then wherever she spits, a new plant will grow. But nowadays more and more women are just swallowing the seed. Or taking the fruit indoors for personal use before fully ripe.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Travel Alert: South Dakota

The CDC put out an emergency travel alert for South Dakota after a law was approved to institute forced slavery among women:

A new law will force women to nourish, nurture, take care of, and financially provide for unwanted babies forcibly injected into their bodies, affectively making all females potential slaves, and fair game for any parasitic entity that needs a Host body for their demon seed to grow.

“Be very careful when traveling to South Dakota, especially if you’re a woman—avoid if possible—no quarantine of South Dakota will be provided by our government.”

Warning: Increased chatter reveals extensive movement towards South Dakota of the following, who intend to capitalize on the new law to propagate their offspring:

Hell spawned Demons
War Mongers
Evil Aliens
Hillbillies from Dirtyback Mountain
Peewee Herman and his Gang of Wankers
“A woman’s body is no longer her own. The State Government has taken it hostage and stamped it as a piece of meat to be abused as a culture to grow any seed that invades it. “