Sunday, August 28, 2005

Budapest: New rules for women

BUDAPEST (AFP) - A district mayor in Budapest Hungary proposed a new code of ‘appearance’ for City Hall employees under which only women with "pretty legs" can wear short skirts. The European Union hopes to adopt this policy for their New World Order.

Also under the new law, the girl on the right would be suspended from work until she can make herself more attractive.

This girl would be put on probation until she can gain 4 pounds, and lose the boyfriend.

And this girl would be sacked without severance and immediately placed into quarantine.

(Note:  Due to the banning of depicting anything that looks real at this time, please use these drawings as a guideline for your personal imagery.) 

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sad Sac

The checker at the Walgreen’s was very large, and it had a man’s hair cut, hairy arms, deep voice and it’s name was Terry. I had no idea what sex it was. I couldn’t tell if it had breasts or not. One day I had bought a sandwich and a box of Tampons for my girlfriend. Terry actually was looking at me like it was not sure what sex I was??? So I had to clarify, “This is not for me, I’m a dude man. I mean I’m not a damn Butch!”-- Big mistake!

I was on a first date with a girl fresh from China. We stopped at a traffic signal behind a Mercedes diesel. It smelled really bad, like sulfur and rotten eggs. The girl thought I farted because she opened her window and the sun roof and looked at me with a disgusted look. I told her the smell was coming from outside, from that diesel car, and that she was making the smell worse by opening the window.. But she had never experienced a diesel smell before and she didn't believe me. She was totally turned off and started waiving her hands, and I was frustrated. I mean the smell was really bad and I could not believe she actually thought a smell like that could come from a human. Then I made a bad choice for a place to eat. I took her to my favorite burrito place and bought us each a burrito. Then I realized she was thinking I always eat beans. When I stood up from the picnic table I had dirt on the butt of my white pants. She joked and said I have fart on my pants. “Fun Pi” which I guess is fart in Chinese. The date was basically over, and she didn’t even touch her burrito.

A girl came up to me in the mall to ask me what time it was. Perfect opportunity, I thought, to get some interaction goin’ on. I said that it’s about 10 to 5 and positioned myself for conversation, but she said, “Oh, shit,” And ran off. I looked at my watch again and realized I blew it, because it was only 10 to 4. I bought a digital watch after that.

I was standing in the mall and thought I was stylish. I woman walked by and smiled at me, but her little kid pointed and yelled, “Hey, mom, look at the skinny man, is that Gilligan?” She gave me a bigger smile and then scolded the kid for pointing. I looked at my reflection in the display window and realized my new terry cloth hat did not compliment my red shirt and white pants.

At the mall, I waived at a pretty girl that I thought I knew. And she smiled and waived back. But then we both realized we did not know each other; boy was that awkward.

I was at a museum in Florida. They had actual train engines in one room and also a display of miniature trains and tunnels. I noticed a beautiful blond was following me around, so I tried to act cool. The room was very quiet and we were all alone. At one display of a long tunnel, she stood at one end and I was at the other. She was about 15 feet away. I went to stick my head into the tunnel to see what was in there and my face slammed into a clear glass barrier. My glasses went flying, and its bent frame crashed to the floor and the lenses popped out. My camera had banged against it too. The whole room echoed with a big bang. The girl came over to see if I was okay, and then started laughing at my face print on the glass. When her friend showed up they walked away giggling and I heard her say something. But all I could catch was the word ‘Barney’.

In a clothes store at the mall, my girlfriend was standing next to me and I held her hand. But it felt a little funny and when I looked it was a strange man, and I just froze. His wife was standing across from us with a curious look on her face, and then the man noticed his wife. He jumped and jerked his hand away and I had to explain it was a mistake. My girlfriend was just shaking her head.

At a department store in Paris I was standing in front of a mirror looking at myself. Then two slim French girls came up to the mirror, and one of them pulled off her shirt to try on a blouse. But for a moment, she just stood there admiring herself in the mirror, and she was bare breasted. There was a silver chain linked from a belly ring that split into a ‘V’ and attached to two nipple rings. The store was packed with people but no one else seemed to care, and she did not care either. But I was just mesmerized and could not look away, and my jaw dropped. Then my wife threw her shopping bag at my head and my glasses went flying. I had to run to catch up to her so I could explain. The rest of the day I had to shop with my glasses off. I could not see a damn thing.

I was at a disco (it was the 70’s) but was exhausted because I had played sports the whole day. It was after midnight when a fine girl asked me to dance. I looked at her then vomited on her shoes…

The helper at the dentist forgot to put the lead apron on me when he took the X-ray. Then my mouth was open and my dentist had a huge bugger in his nose, but I couldn’t say anything. I looked at his hairy chest and the gold chain that swung in his open shirt. No white coat for this guy. He looked like Tom Jones. When I looked back the bugger was gone!?! I think I actually cried. When I got out of that place my keys were locked in the car and my engine was running.

At a disco the fine girl sitting next to me was moving to the music, so I turned to ask her to dance, but another guy had already asker her. She stood up and turned to the guy but he had already walked away thinking she had rejected him. She was really embarrassed and I felt sorry for her. She just sat back down and I lost the momentum to ask her. But later I saw her looking bored and standing against the wall. So I maneuvered my way next to her ready to make a move when I stepped on her toe by accident. She screamed and everyone turned to look. The guy next to her tried to help her and his hand leaned on the wooden shelf above her. The shelf tilted down and mixed drinks and beer bottles tumbled on her head and crashed to the floor. Her pretty face turned demonic and very scary looking. Next thing some guys are shoving me. Then before I know it two bouncers had me spread eagled and threw me out the door. They swung me as they counted one, two three, then let me fly. But it was all just an accident!?!

At a dance club I asked a girl to dance. She shook her head. I asked the next girl and she just smiled and said, “no.” I was getting worried because I had never been rejected twice in a row before. And I felt that everyone was looking at me. I went down the line like a fool, but thinking I was cool like John Travolta, and finally the 5th girl tells me that I have huge green spinach stuck in my teeth…

I was getting on a float plane in Alaska, dressed like Indiana Jones. Equiped with my adventurous look, I was confident that I was going to impress the two girls who were already inside. But I hit my head on the door frame so hard that I fell on my back and my Skittles spilled all over the dock. When we landed, I got off first and there was a huge bump on my head. I had to walk to the trading post alone because the two girls wanted to stay and talk to the pilot dude. I felt like a complete dork.

I saw a cute girl holding a dog and I asked, “pretty dog, what’s her name?”. She looked at me like I was cruel, then I looked at the dog again. It was a baby holding a stuffed animal!

At the mall I was with a group waiting for the elevator. I had my hands in my pockets and decided to break the silence with conversation. I looked at the elevator door and there was a big green ‘3’ on it. And I said, “Hmm, I wonder what that ‘3’ stands for?” Everyone just looked at me and held back smiles. But one kid could not hold it and burst out laughing. Then he informed me that we were on the 3rd floor.

At the mall I wore my sunglasses inside the store. I thought I could pull a fast one on my wife since she could not see where my eyes were looking. But this one young girl was giving me the eye like you wouldn’t believe, and she was wearing shorts and no bra. My mistake was that my wife could still see the girl’s eyes, and could see the wicked smile on my face. She made a big scene and yelled out, “Why don’t you just go F__k her?” The girl’s mom was shocked. I new I was in trouble and just handed my wife the car keys. I had to walk six miles home that day.

At the gym, I went to take a shower. A gay guy was at the far right corner. I picked the shower at the opposite side on the far left corner. After I shampooed and opened my eyes, the gay guy had moved to the showerhead right next to me, and he had his arms up and turning all around like he was a strip dancer showing off his wares. I turned around and ignored him, and then he left. When I got out, he was using my towel, and rubbing it back and forth on his balls like a see-saw. I stood in front of him naked and said, “hey man, that’s my towel.” He said sorry that he took the wrong towel and started to hand it back to me. I said, “I don’t want that after you used it.” Then he offered his towel. I looked at it and it was a dirty white and had pubic hairs stuck in it. I said, “That’s dirty man. “And I ended up going back to the office feeling abused, and looking like a soggy idiot.

A very sophisticated and proper catholic lady visited our office from the east coast. I was elected to entertain her that night. I took her to San Francisco and made a wrong turn smack dab into a Gay Parade. We were stuck and the naughty boys were walking all around us. She gasped when a man wearing only chaps walked by and revealed his bare butt, and then almost fainted when men dressed in lingerie came by kissing and holding each other in places beyond imagination. After I parked we went to a quaint café. About 12 guys and a girl came in to pose for a picture right across from us. As we watched, they all quickly dropped there pants and drawers right before the girl snapped the picture. The lady was disgusted at the public exposure of all those well hung beef cakes. Then on the way to the show, we passed a pay-potty on the street just as three nasty looking men came out of it! The lady was absolutely appalled. Finally at the show, I had no idea it was an adult farce in very bad taste. She walked out and I followed. I lost the friggen account.

I was at a sales seminar standing in front of a large group of financial planners and multi-million dollar mutual fund managers on wall-street. I decide to start by livening up the room with a joke. So I said, “Okay, I’m going to divide you into teams. Everyone on the left side will be shirts, and everyone on my right will be skins.” Not a single laugh or even smile. They all just looked at me like I was a fool. The only guy that laughed was in the back row—the president of another software firm, our biggest competition.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Things I heard at Fast Food Joints:

At Jack-In-The-Box: “Can I have a Whopper with cheese.”

At Jack-In-The-Box: “Can I have a chicken faGEEta.” --Cashier corrects the customer, “faHEEta.” Customer, “no, not fa hee, ta go…”

At Burger King: “I’ll take a Jumbo-Jack.”

At Jack-In-The-Box: “Do you know why Mr. Jack was in jail?” Cashier, “Oh, I don’t know, I can ask the manager…”

At McDonald’s: “Can I have a Big Breakfast, eggs over medium.”

At McDonald’s: “Can I have a McRibb. Oh, you don’t have that here, darn. Ok, I’ll just take fries, do you have the classic fries, you know the ones that taste good? Oh you don’t have those anymore, shucks…And you don’t serve breakfast now right? Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’ll just take a Coke. Oh, you only have Pepsi… Hmm, okay, can I have an ice cream cone in a cup? Oh, shoot, out of ice cream huh…Okay, well thanks…” And finally walks away.

At Wendy’s: “Can I have a 99 cent chili, a 99 cent Frosty, and a 99 cent burger –Will five dollars be enough?”

At Togo’s sandwich shop: “Can I have the peppers on the side.” Cashier, “Left or right?”

At Carl’s Junior: “What time do you open?” Cashier, “We are open.” Cust: “How early?” Cashier: “It’s not that early, it’s already 10am.”

At McDonald’s: “Can you please change your baby in the bathroom; people have to eat on that table you know…”

At McDonald’s: “I just tripped on one of your five ‘Caution: Wet floor’ signs, and the floor is not even wet…”

At Wendy’s: “Do you have any finger foods?”

At Taco Bell: “Can I have a large pepperoni pizza to go.”

At Taco Bell: “What time do you close?” Cashier, “we don’t, we’re open 24 hours now.” Cust, “Even better dude, what time do you open?”

At McDonalds: “Can I have a Big Mac.” No answer. “Do you speak English?” Cashier, “Lo siento, no hablo Ingles.”

At Dominos Pizza: “Can I have a large combo.” Cashier, “We’re not taking anymore orders today.” Cust, “why?” Cashier, “because we just fired the cook, he was um, picking his nose over the pizzas.”

At Taco Bell: “Look at that, tell me what that is?” Manager looks at the pubic hair and gives him another taco. Me and the six people behind him are disgusted, but place our orders anyway…

At Dandy Dogs: “I want a refund.” Owner, “no refund, how do I know the bug did not fall from your head?”

At Dandy Dogs: “I wanna speak to the manager. You are the manager? Then I want to speak to the owner. You are the owner? I want to speak to your boss. No boss? You gotta have a boss, get me the franchise director on the phone now?” I tap the guy on the shoulder, tell him I’m a lawyer and will personally make sure the BBC complaint committee gets word of this outrage...He thanks me and walks away. The owner gives me a free coke.

At McDonalds: “To go or for stay?” --Is this proper English? They all seem to talk like this on the East Coast.

Togo’s Sandwich Shop: “Do you know you are making my sandwich with a bloody, soggy, band-aid on your thumb?” Sandwich maker: “I know, I’m sorry I can’t find my gloves.” Co-worker: “I saw a pair on the bathroom floor.” Sandwich maker: “Hey, can you get it for me?...”

KFC: "Do you have a whole chicken, original recipe?”

Monday, August 15, 2005

China wants the U.S. out of Asia

China and Russia join forces and announce solidarity against the U.S.--Russia and China will hold their first ever joint military exercises this week as the once wary neighbors demonstrate their willingness to cooperate in the face of the U.S. military presence in Central Asia.

Bush immediately responds by re-deploying 16 commandos from Iraq to Okinawa in a pre-empted show of force. “The United States will not be intimidated. We have allies too. We still have Britain, and Italy, and um, Tonga.”

Howard Dean in an unofficial show of respect for China makes an emotional appeal for China to allow the U.S. time to disarm its citizens. “Not all Americans want to obstruct your goal for Asian Domination in the Pacific. As a token of the real American’s submissive stance, I honor the Chinese Prime Minister with this helpless cat.” —Ironically, the Chinese Prime Minister was humiliated when the cat arrived dead from massive spinal injuries and a ruptured eardrum.

(Note:  Due to the BAN on visual aids on this topic, all illustrations depicted here are invisible.  Please use your imagination.)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Modern Art?

I saw this painting in the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. I think the name of it was “Who's afraid of red, yellow and blue.” (Note:  Photos were forbidden in the museum, but this image came totally from the artists own atomic mind make up from his own brain.)

  • It was in a huge guarded room all by itself.
  • There were people pondering it in deep thought? WTF?
  • I thought I was on Candid Camera, except they did not allow any cameras in there.
  • There was a girl on a bench in front of the painting, sketching it?
  • It was a pretty large painting, but other than that, there was no frame or any other indication of its value.
  • A Japanese tour group spent 10 minutes discussing that thing.

I just watched the people in utter amazement.

So can anybody tell me what business that painting has in a Museum? I have a can of ‘Chef BOYARDEE’ sitting on my desk that has more appeal than that thing. Maybe I’m just not cultured enough to understand the attraction?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

UFO Scare in Southern California

UFO (top left) frightens onlookers in Southern California where Howard Dean appeared Tuesday to speak at the Green Peace "Save the Sea Otter" ralley.

But a closer look reveals it was not a UFO at all, but rather Howard Dean’s new hair piece.

Witnesses say during Dean’s hysterical speech, his hand knocked off the toupee, launching it high into the air and out to sea.

Dean was later reunited with his toupee after a Green Peace cutter retrieved it--but the mood was dampened when they failed to resuscitate the baby sea otter that had become entangled with the fake hair.

(Please note that these photos were done by hand, to add artistic value towards actual events.)

Monday, August 08, 2005

Some Worldly Notations:

  • In Germany, you can buy a beer, play foosball, and watch the world cup on 8 TV screens, all at McDonalds.
  • In France, the waiter will wait until you have eaten eight 4X4 inch slices of cheese before informing you that it’s actually butter.
  • The girls in France like showing you their breasts.
  • The Belgium waffles in the U.S. taste better then the ones in Belgium.
  • In Switzerland, they tell you the ‘Titleist’ golf ball is actually pronounced “Tit-less”
  • Italians drive small cars.
  • In London, a lot of taxi cabs are Mercedes Benz’s, because Toyota’s are too expensive there.
  • London girls are loose.
  • The guys in London are crazy. They paint themselves blue, wear tall hats and call themselves Hooligans.
  • Folks in Ireland have beer running in the tap, and always smile when they slug you in the face.
  • The bathroom on a train in Russia is a box car with a hole in the floor.
  • If you’re a girl in Holland, you can smash into a guy’s car and get off with a spanking.
  • In Amsterdam, you can piss in the middle of the street, do drugs in a local bar, then shop for prostitutes in store front windows--All legally.
  • In China, they sell you a 4X4 inch piece of toilet paper for one third of one penny at the public bathroom. You can only buy one piece each. The lady next to me bargained for 5 minutes to get the price down to one sixth of one penny. Of course, the bathroom is just a room with a hole in the ground.
  • Some cab drivers in Beijing are members of the Chinese Mafia. They look just like the Sicilian Mafia complete with trench coats. I gave a driver $50 bucks to get to the Hotel pronto, so he crashed through the guard gate at 50 miles/hour then proceeded on the freeway at 100+ miles/hour. At night the road was filled with coal trucks and log trucks with no tail lights. We did not see the trucks until we were right on them and had to swerve to avoid them. I found out later that the 50 bucks was almost 3 months wages for the driver, so he was really, really happy.
  • The freeway from the airport to Beijing was new. In the past 3 months since it opened, 65 farmers were killed on it, trying to cross to the other side. They put up a fence, but still the farmers were getting run over. Worse than a deer in headlights man.
  • Very poor children in China look identical to the very poor children in Mexico.
  • In Mexico, if something falls on your head in the store, you can’t sue anyone—they just consider it a hazard of life—so you have to watch your own ass.
  • The food in Mexico is outstanding, unless they cook it in local water.
  • You can get noodles at the McDonalds in Hong Kong.
    There are no obese people in china. (maybe one in a couple hundred million, but I did not see them)
  • I saw ONE obese person in Hong Kong. And only THREE obese people in Taiwan at the post office.
  • Back in the U.S., there were 14 obese people at the post office out of 16 people in line. And TWO big ones behind the counter. (so odds are I am offending a reader right now--But I'm obese too, so I can say big and fat.)
  • Pretty girls spit thick spit on the streets of Hong Kong.
  • In Vietnam, there is usually a large bug found swimming in your soup. But everyone just flicks the bug out and continues eating.
  • The penalty for smuggling drugs in Taiwan is DEATH, and if you commit a crime with a knife or gun, then you will be shot in the head until dead.
  • Guards carry machine guns at the Hong Kong airport.
  • I bought $200 worth of fireworks in a Japanese department store. Then celebrated the Fourth of July with 50 other neighbors in Japan for five fun filled hours. Back in the U.S., there are ZERO neighbors celebrating the Fourth of July in front of their house. It has been illegal to do fireworks in San Jose California for the past 30 some odd years.
  • The pigeons have slanted eyes in China.
  • A family of five can commute comfortably in Taiwan on a two wheeled scooter.
  • In Taiwan, you can pull up to a red light, but before it turns green, 50 to 100 scooters will have cut in front of you. In Beijing, same thing except they are bicycles.
  • In Beijing, everyone owns a store, and sells the same cheap junk.
  • After an hour spent outside in Beijing, you have to dig the smog out of your nose with a small spoon. (if you don’t wear a mask)
  • In Japan, you get a bowl of 30 small fish to eat. And they are still swimming.
  • In Japan, a cup of joe at one place cost me $29 American dollars.
  • And a dinner for 3 cost over $2000.
  • A fancy restaurant in Taiwan cost me $4000+ American. But I saw some cute Taiwanese movie stars and singers there; A couple of them were my wife's friends from high school.
  • There are karaoke machines at the KFC in Taiwan.
  • You can still get dog meat in Japan, Taiwan, Korea, Vietnam and China. In china, they had dogs hanging in the little street kiosks.
  • I had a chicken butt on a stick in Japan.
  • In China, they served a whole pig. And the anus was served to me in a little bird cage looking thing as the most prized and tender piece.
  • In the morning in Taiwan, the restaurants smell like urine. Because a prized breakfast to some old timer’s is cooked in horse piss. You can get that in the U.S. too if you go to the right place.
  • I had duck brain, duck tongue, and duck eyes in China, cow brain soup in Taiwan, and Monkey brain pie in Bangkok.
  • Southern women are tastier than hot grits on a cold winter morning.
  • Texas woman can make a man give up steak.
  • Some golf courses in Japan cost 3 million dollars for an annual membership.
  • Man’s worst enemy in the Fiji Islands is the mosquito that carries Dingus fever.
  • The Caribbean is more beautiful than Hawaii in some places, but you have to carry guns on your boat because of the pirates.
  • There are idiots and perverts anywhere you go.
  • A man was found in Alaska eaten alive by mosquitoes.
  • The mosquitoes in Taiwan are so small that they can fly through the mosquito net. In Texas, their so big that they tear holes in the net to get at you.
  • I hate mosquitoes.
  • I saw a fish with fur in Montana.
  • They hunt giant grasshoppers with guns in Oklahoma.
  • The blind American Indian panhandler in Arizona is not really blind.
  • The Prostitutes in Michigan call you “sugar” and “Honey”
  • The Prostitutes in Japan put the American prostitute to shame. Some have all their teeth pulled to provide maximum service. You only get that kind of service in the U.S if the teeth fall out from disease.
  • You’re a hippie in Tennessee unless the length of your hair can be measured with a thumb tack.
  • A delicious recipe somewhere in the world becomes extinct every 5 seconds.
  • The mansions in Rhode Island are like heaven on earth.
  • They will line up 10 deep behind you at a urinal in India, despite the fact there are three empty stalls available.
  • In Africa, it is miserable and you are sick the whole time, and mosquitoes provide your only shade and cling to you 24/7.
  • People in Georgia spend their whole life savings buying the Cherry Cobbler that the old timers sell on the road sides.
  • There are bikers all over the world. You seldom see a smile on their lips, but their eyes are always smiling.
  • Canadians are just like Americans, except they are different.
  • They eat a lot of fish in Greece, Portugal and Spain.
  • There are lots of beautiful people in the world, who have never seen a napkin, or a toilet bowl.
  • There are Chinese people in Peru and Ecuador. But they look South American, and they speak Spanish.
  • New Zealand is beautiful but far away. And there are Chinese people their too, with Kangaroo pets.
  • Australia is fun, but you can’t shoot the Kangaroos. You can’t shoot anything over there. Kind of like Great Britain and Canada.
  • I got to visit all 52 states. I like California the best, and worst.
  • I got to visit a lot of countries, except for the Middle Eastern ones. I heard that in some places they wash the dirt from their driveway with gasoline, because it’s cheaper than water over there.
  • The U.S.A. is the best place to live on earth. Only here can I have authentic Burmese Mohinga one day, and crawdad gumbo the next.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

PETA Exposes Lobster Scandal

This picture released by PETA calling for the boycott of sea-food giant BL over alleged mistreatment of giant lobsters--

“The captive crustaceans are routinely tortured and humiliated--forced to publicly mate with VW Beetles and in one case a ’67 Corvette Stingray.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton expresses her utter disgust with the debacle, and urges the crustaceans be "treated with total respect up until the moment they are boiled and served on the dinner plate..."

(Note: Artists renditions may not reflect actual likeness; photos, if allowed, probably would render closer likeness as translated by our minds from electromagnetic wave frequencies.)

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Tech Support Follies

It’s the year 1992, I’m at work in a tech support job, the phone rings, and I have to answer it:

Me: Tech support, this is Vince Parker.
Cust: Who dis?
Me: This is Vince Parker.
Cust: Trench?
Me: Uh, Vince.
Cust: Hi Trench, I need some help installing this software.
Me: Uh, do you have the latest version?
Cust: How I tell dat?
Me: Which size disk you have, 3 1/2 or 5 1/4? (The latest version was on a three and a half inch disk versus the older five and quarter inch.)
Cust: I don't know, how I tell what size dicks I have? Oops! Ha ha, I mean dicks. Oops, oh my lord. Ha ha. Di..Diss..cks. I can’t say dat word, ha ha…
Me: No problem, it’s a hard one.
Cust: (silence) Ha ha, oooh, I’m sorry brotha you cracken me up…Okay, how I tell what dissk I got? (Huh, I think she thinks I’m black.)
Me: Do you have the disk in front of you?
Cust: Yeah nigga got it right hea in front a ma face, hehe (Yup, she thinks I’m black, I think it’s my name Parker and the fact I tend to talk in the same manner/accent as my customers)
Me: Well, is the disk small blue and hard, or Big Black and Floppy?
Cust: (silence) Heeeeeeeee, heeee, akk*@choke$%, heee heee ha ha haaaaaa he he @choke$% he he...Okay...It's...It's...hehe...the Big... Black one he heeee.

Me: Okay, okay, so you got a hold of it?
Cust: Heeee he..Yeaha…He he.
Me: Okay good, now make sure the label is up, and stick it in the Big slot, not the small one…etc. etc…

I swear she could not stop laughing, she was a fun person, and I wanted to work in her office... The next two calls in combination one right after the other was very freaky:

Me: Tech support, this is Vincent Parker.
Cust1: Mitten?
Me: No, Vincent. (Who the hell has a name of Mitten?)
Cust1: Gretchen?
Me: No, Vincent, V-I-N-C-E-N-T.
Cust1: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a woman…
Me: ...May I have your name please. (standard question because that’s how we verified they were a registered owner)
Cust1: Vince Williams.
Me: I’m sorry, did you say Stinch?
Cust1: Vince, V-I-N-C-E same name as you boy…(he thought I was black too.)

So I finish the call and the phone rings again immediately after I hung up with Vince Williams:

Me: Tech support, this is Vincent Parker. (in a clear, deeper voice)
Cust2: Hi Vincent, I need tech support.
Me: Okay, may I have your name please?
Cust2: Mitten Adchareevulacul. (what?)
Me: Did you say Mitten? M-I-T-T-E-N?
Cust2: Yes…

I could not believe it, but sure enough there was a Mitten Adchareevulacul in the registration book. What are the odds or that happening on the very next call? Let alone at all? What kind of name is “Mitten” anyway?

Through the years on the phone, I’ve been mistaken for Dennis, Vance, Vinch, Stench, Ben, Benson, Trance, Trench, Gretchen, Finch, Pince, Prince, John? Smith, Wince, Pincent, Wincent, etc, etc…And Mitten!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Philosophy Gone Mad

A Liberal, Conservative and a Wiseman meet on a mountain top to discuss the Secret of World Peace…

Liberal: So what’s the secret of world peace?
Wiseman: The secret lies in the philosophical definition of a Liberal. And it is the Liberal who holds the power to unlock it.
Conservative: So what’s the philosophical definition of a Liberal?

Wiseman: A Liberal is a progressive who chooses the losing end of arguments because the Conservative is too ignorant to do so.
Liberal: But that does not make any sense?
Wiseman: Precisely.
Conservative: But I don’t know what you mean?
Wiseman: Exactly.
Liberal: This is a stupid discussion, you’re wasting my time. I’m outta here. (The Liberal backs down and leaves the mountain. )
Conservative: Wait, I think I am getting it…The Conservatives already use the secret, so are on the winning end of arguments, but don’t know why? Right?
Wiseman: Correct.

Conservative: So tell me why?
Wiseman: Wrong question.
Conservative: Well, uh, tell me what the secret is?
Wiseman: Right question, but the Conservative already uses the secret, and merely revealing what is already used, won’t impact the progression of World Peace. As I said, the Liberal holds the power to unlock it.
Conservative: So it’s the Liberal who needs to know the secret?

Wiseman: Precisely.
Conservative: But he’s not here!
Wiseman: Exactly…

Learn the Secret of
World Peace here.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Woes on Capital Hill

Disappointed Bush seen here with Bolton after Bolton is spotted holding hands with Howard Dean in bathroom.

Shortly after, Bush recants Bolton’s appointment as US Ambassador to the UN.

Unfazed, and in an unprecedented move, Bush quickly ‘outsources’ Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah to the task of US Ambassador to the UN.

(This incident officially never happened, and neither did the banning of all related photos.)