Monday, September 12, 2005


A buddy of mine asked if I would ‘do’ a dog.

I said nope.

Then he asked if I would 'do' a dog if someone gave me a million bucks.

I said nope, because I would need the dogs consent, and I could not really be sure if the dog was consenting or not.

Then my buddy said everyone has a price, and he asked if I would 'do' a dog for a billion bucks if nobody else knew about it, and if it was a horny consenting dog.

So I said, "Okay, for a billion bucks, I would 'do' a dog, but it would have to be a nice looking poodle, clean and well groomed." (I was thinking of a poodle like this one in the photo.)

My buddy said no, and that I would have to 'do' an unattractive poodle (Maybe like this dog in the image to the right.) So I said, for a billion bucks, okay, I’d do it…Then my buddy called me a dirty whore for being willing to 'do' a dog…I told him, "So what, I’m a whore—F*** Y**.  Give me a billion dollars."

Then my buddy asked if I would 'do' a guy for 10 billion bucks. I said, "for 10 billion bucks, yeah I would, but he’d have to look like Anne Heche."

My buddy said no, and described a guy he would have to look like—Like the guy in this photo (to the left)…

He said I would have to do everything the guy asked me to do for an entire week including ‘eating salad’, and that 'golden shower' thing.

I said, “Okay, for 10 billion bucks, I could hire a surgeon to cut the memory out of my head afterwards, haha.”

He said, no, the rule is that I would have to live with the memory.

So I said, “Hell yeah I’d do it for 10 billion bucks.”

He said, “I don’t believe you.”

I said, “I’m telling you I would do it.”

He said, “I don’t f***ing believe you.”

I said, “I’m f***ing telling you I would do it.”

“No you wouldn’t.”

“I’m telling you I would.”


I said, “Put your money where your mouth is, gimme 10 billion bucks.”

He then tried to change the rules by adding all kinds of other disgusting stuff, and I told him he could not change the rules like that, and a big argument ensued. It ended when he stood up and yelled, “I can’t believe you’d let that f_t f**k corn-hole you like his little bitch!” Then he walked out.

I stood up to follow him and noticed everyone in the Starbucks was staring at us. I apologized to the obese lady by the door on my way out. In the parking lot I had to explain to my IDIOT buddy that I could not EVER show my face in that coffee shop again!  He was clueless. We had to find another spot for our coffee breaks after that…(Note: The photos in this post are actually photos of photos of photos taken from raw text designed to divert the reader's mind from any thought that what they are seeing is actually outside of their minds in the first place.)


Colleen said...

As usual, you make me laugh and smile.

You are so incredibly funny... ever thought about writing a book?

Sparkling said...

A new place for coffee? You might not have gotten a billion $, but at least you get better coffee.

Vince said...

Hi Colleen, I'm glad I can share smiles and laughs...Yeah, I thought about writing books and stuff, but dismissed it. I tend to like thinking about becomming a rock star, or famous basketball player, or finding a Gold Vein in my back yard. I know, I'm a Loser!

Sparkling--Yeah, we found a better place with better coffee than Starbucks...Who would have known?

Gun-Toting Liberal said...

LOL! Bro... you are a ONE of a KIND, man. I second the notion of you writing a book. Sides hurtin, man... LMFAO!

HOW said...

that was so funny!!!! I can't believe you admitted that you would do it. . .even for a billion bucks! Whew! I bet your friend would have f**ked the fat guy for only a million. At least you have values (?)!

Billy said...

Yeah... your friend would've done it... probably for less money.

Dr. Fil said...

Funniest smile I read today. Keep them coming! Although, I'd never do it with a fat guy or a dog. LOL.

Dr. Fil

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Colleen said...

1. You are not a loser. A loser can't write this well.

2. I read some of your blog entries to a couple of my friends (who never get online) over the phone and they almost died laughing and said "THIS MAN SHOULD WRITE A BOOK!"

You really are talented and hysterical. You should consider sharing your talent with the world... and you could make money while doing so!

I'd buy your book, if you decided to write one!

dawn said...

oh f*** a duck, i was rolling on the floor laughing. thanx for the daily laugh vince!!!

Vince said...

GTL--glad to see you laugh, don't get to see that much on a political blog.

HOW/Billy--Thanks for the support. My buddy is a bully.

DR. fil--for 10 billion bucks? You can buy your way into heaven for that kind of money...

Colleen--that was a nice thing you did for your friend. Thanks for all the encouragement. But I'm good at recognizing talent, and the only talent I have is, well, recognizing talent...

Dusky--I like the F**k a duck...Has a flare to it. I even used the idea on my next post--Thanks.

culayta said...

That was some funny shit. I am like you - there is a price on everything. I once said I would kiss a horse on the ass for $50. Yes, I was drunk, but chickened out - cuz I thought the horse would kick me. Good Times!

Vince said...

culayta--I would of sat on the horse first, then just leaned over the back for the kiss. But it would of had to be a female horse...