Saturday, September 17, 2005

Editorial: Heaven and Hell

I’m not totally sure where I want to go when I die, so I asked God and Satan to arrange a short tour of their facilities so I can better determine my final resting place.I found Heaven to be a bit Conservative for some reason; mostly Christians were there, but a few exceptions.


To my right, I saw a man with a beard, banging his 72 Virgins. And I thought, what a nasty awful place this is, it must be Hell for those poor virgins.

To my left, I saw a bloody naked long haired guy pinned up on sticks and wearing a thorn hat. And I thought how horrible a place this is; it must be Hell for that poor tortured man.

And the guy straight ahead was rocking back and forth in a corner with a fearful look in his eyes. So I asked him, “So how do you like it here in heaven.” He answered, “This place is terrible. All I hear everyday is God’s voice in my head. And they’re all around me, these white fairy-like things flying around with wings, and it’s driving me bananas. They do have cake here, and plenty of milk, but I am lactose intolerant, so it’s like a living Hell for me here.”

So I was not too impressed with Heaven, and looked forward to see if Hell was any better.

When I got to Hell, I found it to be quite a Liberal place—it seemed everyone was allowed in there, no segregation going on or anything.

To my right, I saw a replica of the White House, complete with 666 interns and maids, and even a few Laura Bush and Hillary Clinton look-alikes. There was a line of guys standing outside waiting for their turn to ‘play’ president. And I thought, what a hellish, disgusting activity, but then again, I always wanted to be president, maybe it will be a nice experience.
To my left, I saw Jeffrey Dahmer rotating an impaled guy on a stick and roasting him over an open fire. And I thought, how awful. And Jeffrey did not have a mouth, so it must have been Hell for him. But some other open-minded guests gave a taste and all agreed it tasted like chicken.
The guy straight ahead was Jack the Ripper. He was playing golf all by himself. So I asked him, “So how do you like it here in Hell.” Jack said, “It’s hellish for me because I’m not allowed to kill anyone. And Global Warming is a real problem. But it’s not all that bad really, and I have some time to practice my game before OJ Simpson arrives.”

So after my tour I was a bit disappointed in both Heaven and Hell. The ‘White House” thing in Hell was interesting, but I would have to avoid the likes of Dahmer and the Ripper. And it’s a bit too hot there. But Satan did try to bribe me by offering Janis Joplin as a room-mate—very cool. Heaven seemed more bearable, I mean if I can convince the bearded guy to share his virgins and avoid the thorns and cake, (I'm lactose intolerant too) then maybe it won’t be all that bad. But I’ll probably end up in Hell unless I stop these bad thoughts about the virgins. Darn. Maybe I can make up for it by including God when I recite the Pledge of Allegiance, even if our law ends up banning it. After-all, God did promise to introduce me to Kristen Scott Thomas someday if I was a good boy. Yay!

So I’ll shoot for Heaven. I mean I’ll endeavor for Heaven. And I'll just enjoy life and live here as long as I can. After-all, it’s not all that bad here; and it seems I can experience the best of both Heaven and Hell right here anyway!

13 comments:

Chele said...

Question:
What the hell would make you think heaven is anything like that?

Vince said...

Hi chele, thanks for your question, it's a good one. I hope I answer it below, but if not, let me know and maybe I'll do a 'serious' post on the subject//thanks.

No one can prove one way or another that the Muslim God which promises 72 virgins is not the same Christian God. If this is so, my “Editorial” works to provoke questions on the subject such as “Will sex be allowed in Heaven—or maybe we simply will not desire it? Where will God get 72 willing virgins for an ugly bearded guy?” Will Heaven be boring?” etc. etc. Of course my real belief in Heaven is that it is Paradise.

The Jesus image also inspires thought. That is, it seems ironic Jesus had to go through Hell to get to Heaven. Also, maybe a sadomasochist’s idea of Heavenly paradise is being pinned up on a stick with a thorn hat--of course this is not paradise, but this is Humor. Will Humor be banned from Heaven? Will free speech be prevalent in Heaven where people can say absolutely ANYTHING without causing concern to others?

And the last man in the corner is me making a case for the mentally ill to God. The mentally ill may not be mentally capable to finding Jesus and being saved. This to me is sad. So I hoped my “humor” might induce thought in some people. The Humor side makes fun of the fact that even in Heaven, the mentally ill may experience Hell. But in reality God would heal the mentally ill correct? But my real concern is what happens to the seriously mentally ill, those not capable of comprehending Jesus, or more applicable to Judaism, not able to recognize ethical behavior. My concern is they may not make it to Heaven to begin with. And this disturbs me. So there is a lot to think about, more than just “Heaven is Paradise.”

One idea is that Heaven, Earth, and Hell all exist simultaneously in the same space. Only in different dimensions, so Heaven and Hell may exist within us and all around us at all times. And it’s up to us to strive for Heaven. Yeah, my writing is deeper than people think, and it's deep because I believe each of us has within ourselves an infinite wisdom.

Vince said...

P.S., Chele, maybe the real question is: What in Heavens would make you think Hell is anything like that?

Because I actually think Christians nowadays underestimate the reality of Hell. (make jokes of it like I do.) But the reality is that it is a very serious thing to want to avoid.

Colleen said...

Hi Vince,

I don't claim to know... but I am a Christian and I like to think that the severely mentally ill who can't comprehend the idea of God - will still go to heaven. God is loving, and wouldn't damn innocent people to hell. God often gets a bad rap!

Onto another topic:

When I read: "But some other open-minded guests gave a taste and all agreed it tasted like chicken."
I had to laugh my ass off!

Poor Jeffrey - missing a mouth. I'm sure he wanted to eat some of his fellow occupants. hahaha!

Vince said...

Colleen—that’s my feeling about Heaven and the seriously mentally challenged also. In my heart, I know that I have not truly accepted Jesus as my savior, so I cannot yet comfortably call myself a Christian, but I am trying.

The ‘chicken’ thing was my favorite part also :)

I know whenever one discusses politics, religion, or any controversial topic; it may ignite passionate responses from others, and even hurt others. (e.g., if a victim’s family of Dahmer reads this post, they may experience unwanted memories.)
But I also believe that uncomfortable and potentially hurtful communication is something we ought to face and expose ourselves to, because they exist. Blocking them is okay too, but if we are able to face them, and conquer them, then that may be even better for us. So I will continue to communicate my thoughts in a humorous way, hurtful or not, in hopes and belief that the process of this communication will promote a deeper understanding of our demons, and help us defeat them. So I welcome comments that ‘question’ my views, because that is what I learn more from. When I’m comfortable, I do nothing (except feel really good like from your nice comments—thanks.) But when I am challenged, that’s where I believe I can benefit most if I apply myself. For example, all of my Asian friends feel ‘bad’ when someone calls them a ‘Chink’. But by applying myself and putting myself in that other ‘someone’s’ shoes, I am able to ‘see’ where they are coming from and the ‘bad’ feeling simply goes away for me, because I would say the same thing if I were them, because I would be them, and have had the same background, environment and experiences as them. This is harder to apply with more serious offenses, and I am not perfect at it either--but I believe Love and hopefully Christ, is the answer to all our problems.

Colleen said...

I believe that love and Christ is the answer too Vince.

I like the fact that you are a deep thinker.

Average White Guy said...

I see no evidence that either exist!--but I like the post.

Billy said...

Hmm.. knowing my luck, Hell will have the baseball bat and the baseball would be in Heaven. I guess that'd be okay though since I could just play catch for eternity. ;-)

Vince said...

Colleen--I go as deep as I can in my shallow head.

AWG--but there is no evidence that they don't exist either!

Billy--Yeah, but there's nothing like the feeling of hitting a solid ball with a wooden bat, and feeling the powerful crack of impact! I would be undecided if I were you :)

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Vince said...

Mike--I love SPAM, especially when it's cut up and fried. Yummy.

penelope said...

I think you're all twits.

Vince said...

Penelope Poser--If I thought you were really Penelope I would say, "your comment is cute, and you're a tough girl in a tough world."

But I think you are a poser giving a bad rap to peneope (if she's real to begin with), so I'll just say, "are you gay?"