Saturday, July 08, 2006

Space Suit

Space suit by dctim 1 on flickr
My buddy and I have another silly conversation:

Buddy: I wanna go to space.

Me: What for?

Bud: I wanna meet aliens, to talk to them.

Me: You’re already doing that. I mean, we’re already in space. The Earth is a big space ship. And we ARE the aliens. To anyone else out there that is.

Bud: No, I wanna go on a space ship and meet a REAL alien from another planet.

Me: You’ll need a space ship.

Bud: That’s possible nowadays.

Me: But a space suit alone costs around 10 million dollars—that possible too?

Bud: I don’t need a suit.

Me: There’s no oxygen in space. In direct sun light it’s 250 degrees. If you try to hide in the shade, it’s minus 150 degrees. Then there’s the cosmic rays and solar wind you need protection from—you need a suit homey.

Bud: So I’ll steal one.

Me: They weigh 350 pounds. Give it up! The earth is 99% water, why not just go scuba diving and meet a new fish?

Bud: Because I wanna meet a real alien.

Me: What if you do, and the alien is the size of an atom? How you gonna talk to him?

Bud: [no answer]

Me: What if you don’t understand his language? What if the one you meet is a molester? What if he’s so big, when he takes a breath, he sucks you up his nose and you get stuck in his mucus? Is that what you want? Why don’t you just get real?

Bud: There are intelligent beings out there who can communicate with me.

Me: Think for a minute! Idiot! Why would an intelligent being want to communicate with YOU? That’s like me wanting to talk to a f__king skunk. That’s like me wanting to talk to the bacteria in this mustard on my hot-dog  Why the hell would they want to talk to you??? You f__king Moron!

Bud: F__k you!

Me: Now me personally, I want to have sex with a female alien.

Bud: Yeah. In space in zero gravity.
Me: Yeah, and we'll have to be strapped together so we don't float apart.
Bud: But you'll run out of oxygen in about a minute?
Me: That's enough time...
The girls sitting next to us got up and left.


Erin O'Brien said...

Darling Vince: On the plus side, I've heard space suits are very slimming and make middle-age men look 10 years younger.

On the downside, I've heard all femaile aliens are fat and old, and, although I am unsure of the veracity of the assertion, I've heard that men, in their heart of hearts, truly prefer woman like Keira Knightley. (Truth be told, I've always thought that men who make such assertions are really only talking about themselves.)

Enough of all that. I love you no matter what.

Vince said...

erin—The truth is, a fat and aging alien woman will ALWAYS have the power of love and feminism on her side.

The truth is, she’ll never lose the true charms that attract a man.

And the ‘plus’ is her time-tested sensibilities of a nurturing mother, and her uncanny ability to pose as an underdog, when in truth she can walk all over Keira Knightly in a pair of red house slippers. (And truth betold, her ultimate wisdom and understanding of the needs of a male in mid-life crisis.)

And with that, even the most ‘Ass’ertive and arrogant man doesn’t stand a chance. Take me for example; my heart of hearts would fall to its knees at the slightest hint of affection from such an alien woman.

Erin, you are a blessing undisguised. Rascal that you are.

PDD said...

Are you calling me a fu_king skunk?

I've got a space suit sitting in my closet. I would like to lend it to your friend. But it's got a pin hole in it. Does that make me a murderer?

Vince said...

pdd--Oh, you're a space fan too? Jeez, I'm surrounded by Trekees. Don't lend your suit to my friend, you'll never see it again! Duct tape oughta fix that pin prick.

PDD said...

If I didn't get into film, I would be an astronaut. I'm Italian-Canadian though, I don't know which country would accept/sponser me.

Super Novas, White Dwarfs, oh yeah, bring that shit on baby!

Mama Mouse said...

Vince ... Mr. Mouse loved your caption for Misty's picture! Shades of one of his favorite musicals ... Fiddler on the Roof! We decided to have two runner-ups, so you have tied for second place and will recieve 50 Blog Explosion credits as soon as you email me your username so that I can tranfer them!


Vince said...

pdd--You mean film as in stuff people can watch? Hey, if you know of someone looking for a new face let me know. I can play a bad guy really good. Or a monster. I'll be willing to play a monster. I know an astromoner, so maybe I can get some scoop on what's happening with the solar system for you sometime :)

mama--Your Misty is so cute. Thank you very much! This will get me motivated to use Blog Explosion again. Yay! I'll send you my info as soon as I get a chance to did it out. Thanks again!

PDD said...

Well, I know that the universe is expanding right now as I type this. This is Hubble's theory I believe.

Anonymous said...