Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Dead Man’s Chest

I saw a picture of British actress Keira Knightley as she posed at a premiere of 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest' in London.  She was very skinny. 

I used to be as skinny as Keira. The odd thing I remember is that when I had a stomach ache, I could never understand how so much pain could come from a place where I had so little substance. Keira may be a size negative 2, but you can bet her pain is still in ‘full’ size. I know.

And every time I sat down, the only thing separating the seat and my bones was a thin layer of skin and it was so uncomfortable, when I had to take those hour long exams in school, 80% of my time was spend shifting my weight from bone to bone. I hate tests.

My waist was so thin, when I turned sideways, I could barely see myself in the mirror. I used to get two mirrors positioned with a space between to actually convince myself I was there.

One day, I lay exhausted and flat on the floor. My cat walked over me and didn’t even notice me. I think she just thought I was a new throw rug.

I learned if I tied a stick around my chest like a cross-- under my windbreaker-- then on windy days I could ride my bike to school without even peddling.

The bully in school hit me in the stomach. But he missed!

When my parents took me out to eat, the hostess would always ask, “table for two?” They thought I was the coat rack.

At the Hospital, my parents bought me a ‘Danny ‘O” Day’ venquilatrist doll. But the other kids got confused. They were calling me Danny.

The Docs did find the remains of a tapeworm in my system. But it had been dead for 10 years—starved to death.

My sister got in trouble one day for using my belly button as an incense holder.

My father got in trouble just for looking at me ‘funny’ at the company picnic, when he couldn't find the other pole for the horseshoe pit.

My brother almost broke my arm when he thought it was a back scratcher.

At the pool, all the other kids had cool beach towels to dry off with. I had a Kleenex.

But the worst thing that happened was when the fat lady next door stuck my head upside down into her Margarita and tried to suck it out my other end.

Okay; I’m going to cut myself off here before I offend someone :)

9 comments:

RocksAndChairs said...

hahaha that was awsome!

Colleen said...

:) soooo funny. You really can see her BONES in that picture. If I were there with her I would have yelled "Eat something for God's sake!" hahaha.

Jozee said...

Your insights into a skinny childhood are humorous though I'm sure the experience wasn't.

I've spoken with a number of men that were bullied in chilhood because they were of smaller size. One even took to wearing two pair of pants at a time to cover his thinness.

How warped are we as people, if men must be hurt as children because they are smaller than expected.

Warped indeed, when we deify women that look painfully thin, even when the extra ten pounds added by the camera still leaves a skeletal physique.

Mama Mouse said...

I'm not sure by that photo that she is even a woman! LOL

PDD said...

Absolutely hilarious, you are!

I wish I had these problems...

Vince said...

rock--I have pictures, but I refuse to post them.

colleen--I'm 240 now. The bones is my excuse not to lose weight.

josie--It wasn't all that bad, I did get bullied, but not for long, I always somehow won the fights (martial arts training helped I think) But I know plenty who didn't fare so well.

Hey, men are hurt as adults too, for being smaller then expected (so I hear.)

mama--Yeah, and I'm not even sure if Johnny Depp is a man!

pdd--You can have these problems. Just eat what Keira eats.

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