HEY!

Hey, I am switching my 'POST' schedule to once a week every Monday. Because my work has slammed me once again with stuff to do and I have to cut back on all 70 of my hobbies to accommodate. But I will still be reading blogs whenever I can. Cheers to a good Summer!

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Detroit Zoo Gorilla by Scott_Calleja on flickr

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A professor working under a Hartford research grant was mauled to death by this Gorilla while he was trying to determine its intelligence. The only evidence of what happened is on this partial tape recording:

Prof: Okay, what letter comes after Q?
Gorilla: Arrrr!
Prof: Okay, good. Now talk like a Pirate.
Gorilla: Arrrrr!
Prof: Great, now what do you say when Jennifer Lopez walks into the room?
Gorilla: Ooo Ooo.
Prof: Terrific, good job.
Gorilla: Hey!
Prof: Excuse me? What did you say? Did you say Hey? Say it again!
Gorilla: (silence)
Prof: Common, say it again for the tape, say HEY!
Gorilla: (silence)
Prof: SAY HEY!
Gorilla: (silence)
Prof: COME ON, SAY IT AGAIN YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!
Gorilla: ARRRRRRRRG !! [SLAM! BAM! click*]

Interview: Chief Dark Cloud

Chief by visivo.manila on flickr

Vince: What makes you happy?
Chief: My people, and their freedom.
Vince: What do you think of George Bush?
Chief: He is a Chief without a people.
Vince: How do you lead your people?
Chief: I listen. And speak from my heart.
Vince: And they listen to you?
Chief: My heart is their heart.
Vince: So what does that mean? How does that solve their problems?
Chief: If they follow their heart, their problems will be solved.
Vince: What if they have hatred in their hearts?
Chief: A heart big enough for hatred is a heart big enough for love.
Vince: What if they’re ignorant?
Chief: Knowledge is not the purpose of our hearts.
Vince: So what is the purpose of our hearts?
Chief: Listen to your heart, and it will show you the answer.
Vince: How about lawyers? What do you think of them?
Chief: Everything has a purpose.
Vince: How about women, do you have a woman?
Chief: To be had is not their purpose.
Vince: I see you have a Battle Axe. Will you use it to protect your land?
Chief: I use it to kill. The land does not need us, or our protection.
Vince: Why would you kill?
Chief: To survive.
Vince: Would you kill for revenge?
Chief: I kill to survive.
Vince: If I kick you in the balls. Would you find love in your heart and forgive me?
Chief: I will receive your gift. And in return I’ll let you feel the steel of my Battle Axe, and give you a taste of your own freshly cut balls.
Vince: You wouldn’t really cut off my balls would you?
Chief: You wouldn’t really kick me in the balls would you?
Vince: Okay, ah in closing, one final question: We know you are a fierce warrior, respectable leader, and fabulous dresser; but are you good in bed?
Chief: Is there a woman who loves you?
Vince: Yes of course, why?
Chief: Then bring her to me tonight. And if she rides with me tomorrow, then I must be damn good.

Space Suit

Space suit by dctim 1 on flickr

My buddy and I have another silly conversation:

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Buddy: I wanna go to space.

Me: What for?

Bud: I wanna meet aliens, to talk to them.

Me: You’re already doing that. I mean, we’re already in space. The Earth is a big space ship. And we ARE the aliens. To anyone else out there that is.

Bud: No, I wanna go on a space ship and meet a REAL alien from another planet.

Me: You’ll need a space ship.

Bud: That’s possible nowadays.

Me: But a space suit alone costs around 10 million dollars—that possible too?

Bud: I don’t need a suit.

Me: There’s no oxygen in space. In direct sun light it’s 250 degrees. If you try to hide in the shade, it’s minus 150 degrees. Then there’s the cosmic rays and solar wind you need protection from—you need a suit homey.

Bud: So I’ll steal one.

Me: They weigh 350 pounds. Give it up! The earth is 99% water, why not just go scuba diving and meet a new fish?

Bud: Because I wanna meet a real alien.

Me: What if you do, and the alien is the size of an atom? How you gonna talk to him?

Bud: [no answer]

Me: What if you don’t understand his language? What if the one you meet is a molester? What if he’s so big, when he takes a breath, he sucks you up his nose and you get stuck in his mucus? Is that what you want? Why don’t you just get real?

Bud: There are intelligent beings out there who can communicate with me.

Me: Think for a minute! Idiot! Why would an intelligent being want to communicate with YOU? That’s like me wanting to talk to a f__king skunk. That’s like me wanting to talk to the bacteria in this mustard on my hot-dog  Why the hell would they want to talk to you??? You f__king Moron!

Bud: F__k you!

Me: Now me personally, I want to have sex with a female alien.
Bud: Yeah. In space in zero gravity.
Me: Yeah, and we'll have to be strapped together so we don't float apart.
Bud: But you'll run out of oxygen in about a minute?
Me: That's enough time...
The girls sitting next to us got up and left.

Dead Man’s Chest

I saw a picture of British actress Keira Knightley as she posed at a premiere of 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest' in London.  She was very skinny. 

I used to be as skinny as Keira. The odd thing I remember is that when I had a stomach ache, I could never understand how so much pain could come from a place where I had so little substance. Keira may be a size negative 2, but you can bet her pain is still in ‘full’ size. I know.

And every time I sat down, the only thing separating the seat and my bones was a thin layer of skin and it was so uncomfortable, when I had to take those hour long exams in school, 80% of my time was spend shifting my weight from bone to bone. I hate tests.

My waist was so thin, when I turned sideways, I could barely see myself in the mirror. I used to get two mirrors positioned with a space between to actually convince myself I was there.

One day, I lay exhausted and flat on the floor. My cat walked over me and didn’t even notice me. I think she just thought I was a new throw rug.

I learned if I tied a stick around my chest like a cross-- under my windbreaker-- then on windy days I could ride my bike to school without even peddling.

The bully in school hit me in the stomach. But he missed!

When my parents took me out to eat, the hostess would always ask, “table for two?” They thought I was the coat rack.

At the Hospital, my parents bought me a ‘Danny ‘O” Day’ venquilatrist doll. But the other kids got confused. They were calling me Danny.

The Docs did find the remains of a tapeworm in my system. But it had been dead for 10 years—starved to death.

My sister got in trouble one day for using my belly button as an incense holder.

My father got in trouble just for looking at me ‘funny’ at the company picnic, when he couldn't find the other pole for the horseshoe pit.

My brother almost broke my arm when he thought it was a back scratcher.

At the pool, all the other kids had cool beach towels to dry off with. I had a Kleenex.

But the worst thing that happened was when the fat lady next door stuck my head upside down into her Margarita and tried to suck it out my other end.

Okay; I’m going to cut myself off here before I offend someone :)

Sports?

When men watch women’s sports, they always end up thinking of sex. It’s because a woman exudes sex. Instead of wearing baggy shorts to play tennis, they wear short skirts with a cut-out to exhibit the private area.

When women play volleyball, they wear shorts that are shorter than the gloves I use to ride my motorcycle, and tighter than the gasket hugging my V8 engine block.

Sometimes I just want to see sports. If I wanted sex to show up in sports, let me see some size Zero models wearing high heel tennis shoes play badminton or croquet.