Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Greatest American Dessert!



I ALWAYS eat desert before or during my main meal. I just don’t want a terrorist to show up and make my last mouthful a spoon of green beans. I’d rather go with a banana split in my mouth.

But not all people believe in, or benefit from the banana split. Terrorists, for example, would surely be a more peaceful folk had they discovered the charms of the ultimate fruity delight. And you can’t find a banana split in China! Or in a Chinese restaurant for that matter! The Chinese I know simply won’t touch the stuff—“It’s not healthy,” they say. “It’s better to eat rice and vegetables, and green tea for meals.”

Hog wash!!! You just gotta learn to balance things.

Speaking of balance, there is a time in every man’s life when a banana split becomes more attractive than a woman. I mean a banana split ALWAYS shows you a good time. You can count on a banana split. A banana split won’t argue with you, it just submits to your ravishing. A banana split is variety all in one, not like most women. And women claim to be sugar and spice and everything nice; but they still fart like everybody else. A banana split does not fart.

So a banana split has a place on my bike anytime. But a woman? Well, maybe if her name is Kristen Scott Thomas. Or Gwyneth Paltrow. Or Ashley Judd. Or Heather Grant. Or if she doesn’t mind dressing up like a banana split. Or if she wears perfume that smells like flowers, yeah, that will work too. Or popcorn. Perfume that smells like buttered popcorn.

15 comments:

Jozee said...

"I'd rather go with a banana split in my mouth." Funny!

Was it yummy?

Hmmm, wonder if Demeter has popcorn or banana split cologne?

Vince said...

Josie--It was okay, but not what I anticipated. There is a banana split at at the Peppermill in Reno that they serve on a plate the size of a hubcap, two inches deep, with 6 scoops and 4 banana halves. I eat it all. Going there in a couple of weeks. Always get sick afterwards, but it's worth it.

It would be my luck that just when I quit smoking, they come out with butter popcorn and banana split flavored cigs.

Denny Shane said...

Have you ever tried making wild, passionate monkey sex with a banana split? Kinda messy, believe me.

Vince said...

Denny--Not yet, but it does sound "a'pealing".

Erin O'Brien said...

Parker. Parker. Parker.

What the hell am I going to do with you?

Vince said...

erin--I'm low maintenance. You can ignore me most of the time, and just throw me a banana every now and then.

Colleen said...

You should write a song about banana splits! Ever heard the song "Fish Heads"? If a song like THAT can exist, then there must be a place for banana splits in the music world!

And isn't it nice that banana splits don't fart!?! ahahhaha!

RocksAndChairs said...

your post makes my mouth water i haven't had a banana split in ever...where's the best place to get one?

BipolarPrincess said...

I think wild, passionate monkey sex with a banana split sounds kinda hot. But that just proves how a MAN could be replaced :)

Jozee said...

Where's Vincent Parker?

The converstion turns yet again to sex and he makes like a banana and splits!

Vince said...

colleen--That's a good idea, I'd like to hear a song about a banana split instead of a girl for a change.

Rock--The icecream shop! Probably too cold to have many of those in Canada eh?

BP--Replaced? Well, at least until the hockey game is over...

Josie--I'm around. I guess I'm guilty of 'splitting'. There's just so much I wanna do lately--like goofing off.

Marie said...

Hey there- just got your comment on my blog. I'd love to chat more, and thank you for your compliment on my writing. Yours is hilarious!

LOL


Thank you :)

PDD said...

Always remember, it takes the banana to make her split. I doubt you would speak so highly of a plain banana alone. Or would you? And if you would, well then we are speaking of an entirely different issue altogether. A women would be completely useless, farting in the corner...

Vince said...

Marie--Thanks for stopping by. You gotta do another post man. I guess I gotta do another one too...

pdd--I always learn something from you...Hey, just a thought, why not make room for a banana split somewhere in one of your screen plays?

ME said...

What about a banana split on a girl