Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Synchronized Swimming: The Bad Apple of Olympic Sports.

A rare look at the most controversial sport in Olympic History: (Inspired by Jungle Jane)

1.) The whole thing began with a duck! Kings forced performers to strap ducks to their heads and swim around for entertainment. But eventually they became the first “Sitting Ducks” when a King took up a spear for some real sport.

2.) Then in 1907 a girl bought a ballerina suit and a giant fish bowl. She developed a dancing fish act and traveled the Globe for 25 years before she disappeared in the Mermaid Riots of 1932.

3.) The underwater ballerina act evolved into the most undefined, controversial and segmented sport in history. The Lesbian National Aquatic league, for example, is scored not only on beauty, but the number of synchronized climaxes they can achieve in a 5 minute period.

4.) The Brownie Troop Ornamental Swimming Team features young teens in full brownie uniform. They rise to the surface feet first and their skirts fall to the water like Lilly pads, exposing white bulbous panties and long young virgin legs that slowly spread open into full flower for all to admire.

5.) The Punk Rock Water Acrobatics Team has a colorful act, but the team was marred last month when excessive thrashing sequences, two drownings, bloody waters, and three missing bodies rattled the audience—the shark was simply a bad idea.

6.) The sport also inspired illegal underwater Horse races. I actually attended one of these events and my girlfriend had a chance to meet the winning horse. But the horse didn’t appear happy, so she tried to comfort him—“You are the Champion …so why the long face?”

7.) A prison recently sanctioned the first Synchronized Football League – featuring burley inmates in elaborate floral huddle formations, synchronized spinning pass patterns and flower plays, all to the music of the “Nutcracker Suite”. Judged not by number of touch downs, but by the artistic and electrifying manner in which they are executed!!!

8.) Today, men are still prohibited from the Synchronized Swimming games in the Olympics--And rightfully so I might add. I mean if they ever get allowed, then what message will it send? Like what will be next? Girls in the NFL? Coed bathrooms? Free sex in the streets? ...uh...Well then, maybe we ought to at least give it a go, eh? What can it hurt?

9.) Over 85% of men polled admit wanking it to Synchronized Swimming more often than any other sport.

10.) The all male Chip & Dale Aquatic Team put on a Royal exhibition for the new Princess of Wales, depicting the Iron Man Submarine Battle of WWII. Microphones amplified the battle scenes and intensified the underwater explosions. But the explosions were farts man. And you could see the bubbles rise up. And when a sub was destroyed, a butt would float to the surface with a Daisy sticking out the arse!!!
The surface torpedoes were neat, but the periscope sequence had all the ladies fighting for the opera glasses. Young girls fainted. The Princess fainted too, and totally missed the grand finale with the sperm whale. The show is banned now in 192 countries and “Blow-hole” has since become a dirty word.


Gun-Toting Liberal said...

"Over 85% of men polled admit wanking it to Synchronized Swimming more often than any other sport."

LMFAO, bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jungle jane said...

ahahahahaha Vince you are one fucking funny mofo. Can you explain how Synchronised swimmers' mascara doesn't run? and what is going through there minds that causes them to smile so much?

Your attention to detail and pure fact has impressed me greatly sir.

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr......that be a great analysis......when will there be a team for pirates and sea folk.......

Vince said...

GTL--Curling took second place.

JJ--the mascara is tattooed on. They get points for the smile, so it’s a must. It takes years to perfect--one girl got disqualified for having her smile permanently plastered on her face through surgery...

Cap--Aye Cap’n, day be nigh, me hearties ‘n’ Corsair Lassies, be sprogs ‘n’ squiffy wenches if ye not feelin’ it wi’ ye bones ‘n’ rollin’ in swag.

Gun-Toting Liberal said...

"Curling took second place"

Now, don't go and rank on the curlers, bro... them old hags are SEXAY as hail!


wallycrawler said...

Please don't cancel synchronized swimming . Those young things are way hot !

josh williams said...

I scored 86% on that test. Just by a C.. Just by a hair did I prove my manhood, in my private's.

Vince said...

GTL--Oh yeah? I'll have to give 'em a second look next time.

Wally--And they're way wet too!

Josh--I'm in the 90 percentile myself, and prowuuued of it.

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