Saturday, March 25, 2006

Sewer Main Lobsters:

MAIN (Rooters) - Sewer Main Lobsters (SMLs) have invaded the Northeast. A Hybrid of Main Lobsters, these lobsters are unisex, super aggressive, and chirp like a cricket. “They eat their dead, so we didn't even know they existed until recently, and now it’s too late—it is estimated they number in the billions.”

The problem is this subspecies has discovered they can crawl up the toilets and nip off penises, which are an apparent delicacy to them.

“We must nip this problem in the butt." Homeland Security has developed a system that will keep toilet water at a steady boil. This new toilet is expected to wean SMLs from penises in a matter of months. The added benefit is a built in humidifier along with a sanitizer making it possible to transfer trapped lobsters directly to the dinner plate, fully cooked and ready for consumption.

“The SML toilets will be provided free of charge thanks to special sponsors: Members Only, Johnson & Johnson, and Der Weinersnitchel.” But opponents to Homeland Security warn that the boiler toilet will solve nothing! “It’s only a matter of time before a heat resistant strain of SMLs evolve. But the real fear is they are already capable of surviving for months out of water, and seem to have an unlimited capacity for growth, enabling them to snip even the largest penises. "They will just by-pass the toilet and jack you when you sleep. We recommend a stainless steel penis muzzle that attaches via a testicle harness--to be worn at ALL times.”


ME said...

OMG, that's hilarious!! We've progressed nicely from snakes to crocs to lobster. nice.

Dawn said...

omg could you imagine having that claw come up and nip your naughty bits!!!!

ouch i say, and you'd be able to hear me all the way from canada.


Colleen said...

Ah.. so that's what happened to... (input male politician's name here)

*laughs her ass off*

Vince said...

me--I love animals. People are animals too!

Dawn--Ouch! Actually, a true story --hubby practicing kinky sex with his wife and pet lobster got his member nipped off. The wife poured boiling water on the lobster to get it off. Doctors said despite the burns, the hot water sanitized the wound and actually aided the re-attatchment of his member, which she kept in an ice bucket...

Colleen—your honorable discretion in not naming the politician does not go unnoticed--a moment of silence for Casper Wienberger who passed today in Main.

I too, will refrain from any Casper Wienerberger jokes for a later, more appropriate time.

jungle jane said...

my god. that excrement looks just like a lobster!

Erin O'Brien said...

John. Wayne. Bobbit.

Vince said...

jj--I had one that looked like the Virgin Mary, but the darn sensor toilet automatically flushed her before I could snap a picture!

erin--I'll take my chances with a Lobster over a mad wife with sissors anyday!